*Disclaimer* This blog is full of blatant lies and contains images of people totally unconnected to any text that may sit above or below it ALRIGHT?! Contact Shampayne if you have a complaint about anything on here. Laters! x

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

The Fat Lady Sings

Hi everyone

Jay here. I just had to log on to Sham's blog and tell you the news. It's pretty awful and I know that Sham would be gutted if she just disappeared of the face of the earth without all of you knowing why.

Sham's operation this morning had serious complications. The surgeon responsible for the abortion had a panic attack when he was inside Sham's body cavity with a suction tube.

Unfortunately, he accidentally severed Shampayne's liver and it got sucked up into the vacuum. Sham died on the operating table and me and her other best mates just can't believe it.

As you know, Shampayne was poised to go on to a trip to Europe with Shelly and I. We had all quit our jobs and were going along to make sure that Sham was okay. She has been through so much heartache of late.

I know your *hearts* go out to her family at this difficult time, except for her father the closeted old bastard. Sorry, am still a little raw about that 'blind date' thingummy.

Please leave your messages of condolence. I'll print them out and put them on a wreath when the funeral gets arranged. Chanelle is going to the prison to break the news to her poor Mother.

Wish I could say something more positive.

But you know. Death. Bummer.

To use a well known phrase, "laters"

With love, Jay


Sunday, October 30, 2005

I *Heart* My Blog Pals!

Ever since half-joking that I was going to sell my baby on ebay, I have been getting all these concerned emails from legal types telling me its against the law etc etc. Yawn. Botherd.

I was kidding. Well, sort of. I dont see the point of going full term and wrecking my figer and making my fanny go all slack if theres no baby to show for it.

I am booked in for an abortoin on Tuesday. I porned my engagement ring to pay for it as theres no way I was going to ask dad for the cash. I just cant be arsed to be a single mum.

I have decided to go and quit Milton Kenes and go and live abroad. I am going off to back pack as soon as this baby has been ripped out of me.

I should be able to carry on blogging from wherever I end up. I am going to europe, cuz I have always wanted to go there. I also want to visit places like France and Germany cuz Shelly says the blokes are realy well hung.

I just wanted to thank you lot for suporting me through my crisis of late. Couldnt of coped without you.

I'll be posting on Tuesday night once I have had the sprog whipped out. Should also have some idea of where I am flying to first. Its all so exciting!

Decided to post a bit of a DIY photo montarge of the regular commenters. I love most of you, have even been engaged to one of you and once posted dog shit through one of your letterboxes. I know you love me though!

Be back next week, a little lighter and no longer a mummy-to-be. Cant wait!

Laters x x x

Saturday, October 29, 2005

The Edge Of Heaven

You know something, you never realy know someone. Seems I have been another stupid blind idiotyc girl that has fallen for the wrong man. Fans of this blog will know that I am not the sort of girl to keep my private life erm private - in fact I am more likely to talk about my privates if anything. I have lovely labia even if I say so myself.

My ex-feyonce Colin and I have called our engagment off. Well, we never realy spoke about it, I just gave him one massive kick to the bollocks and poured a pint of Lambrini over his head before kicking him to the kerb.

Why? Because our relatoinship is more similar to the band Wham! than most people realise. Stage one - Colin shags me senseless and is a total spunk-monster in bed, proud to be seen out with me and sensative and kind and not like most blokes. Fact. This is a bit like George Micheal and Andrew Rigley with Pepsi and Shirly - two good time blokes with their birds.

Stage two - Then all of a sudden I find out that Colin hasnt been helping loads of young men find there fitness peak - he has been pimping them off to men in suits and old pervs from the local liesure center. Worse than that, Colin is a big old bummer and likes to take it up the arse himself. Gutted. A bit like George and Elton, pretending to be pals in that 'Dont Let Your Son Go Down On Me' video when they were possibley discussing witch members of the audience they would like to spitroast whilst singing the song. Its possible! Sorry George, I do like you, I do.

How did I find out?

Well, its a good job that my brother Gordon is a complete slag because he spotted that Colin was whoring himself on that well known mail order shag website GAYDAR. Gaydar is grate for the bummers, just select the cock you want and get it shipped over pronto. Except Colin never banked on the fact that Gordon spotted Cols profile on the website and reckoned that it looked a hell of a lot like him. He got his friend Craig to send Colin a private message and arranged a date. Turns out that Colin only went and tried to enlist Craig as an additoin to his rent list, a bunch of teenage boys that Colin hires out to dirty old scrotes and unhappily married men.

Gordon couldnt beleive it and then spent ages wondering how to brake the news to me. Half an hour later he knew he had to do the right thing by me and texted me that my boyf was a bummer. I was due to meet Col in Maccie Ds but told him to get drive thru and bring it back to the flat. As soon as I had those bags of food safely in my hands I then did my kick ass punch to his nads and told him to sod off.

I am now unsure if I can ever realy enjoy a Big Mac value meal ever again, cause it will remind me of that shitbag. The burger bun got drenched by my tears, I was crying so much.

Just in case you think that I am lying, here's the proof. Take a look at Colins Gaydar profile. It seems he has been giving his bulletwound up to the highest bidder for some time now. Gutted.

Click here

So, here I am alone, with a baby growing inside me from a father thats probaly going to be much better at picking out baby clothes and co-ordinating bibs and booties than I ever will. Gutted. Not sure I even want to keep this baby now. What on earth am I going to do?

Charlie has told me that I could always sell my unborn child on eBay and be a suffragette mother. The money is tempting for sure. What do you think I should do?

Laters x

Friday, October 28, 2005

The Truth Is 'Out'

So. The truth about Jay's new mystery man is revealed.

Its my dad.

Jay met him outside the multiplex at 8:00 last night as arranged, and it turns out that 'Dave, fit, 23' is actually my bloody father. Whilst Dad is a looker, I will give him that, he is not fit nor is he 23 and he shouldnt even be bloody well GAY either. Mom is gonna go apeshit when she finds out and she will.

I dont mind having bloody queer freinds and a poofy brother but my dad. Fuck. I just cant beleive it.

So - why have me and Colin split I here you ask. Well its simple. But I cant talk about it wihtout crying myself silly. I had better tell you more about the Jay/Dad episode.

After the bomb went off and Jay came round late last night to tell me the news about his blind date there was an almitey row between everyone. Only the dog wasnt directly involved but she managed to bark all the way through it all, noisy bitch.

Jay was calling dad a 'fucking closet' and then Charlie and Chanelle started leaping to Dads defence saying that it was cool to have a gay dad and that they wanted to live with him if there was a divorce. I then went apeshit at the twins for being so twattish. Charlie said that gays have much better taste with interoir decore and Dad wouldnt choose woodchip paper if Mom wasnt telling him what to do all the time. Fucking stupid bitches.

Those girls annoy me at the best of times but that comment realy took the biscit. I dont want Mom and Dad to split but I cant see her wanting to live with a bi or gay or whatever Dad thinks he is now. My head is spinning around.

So, Jay is alone yet again and Dad likes it up the chuff. I cant even begin to talk about my break up with Colin, its too upsetting. All I can say is that my family members have a lot to anser for and I will never forgive or forget.

Gutted (still)


PS Thanks to Emma and Dom for the comfoting words. I aprecaite it.

Thursday, October 27, 2005

My Life Is Over

Two words: lying cheating fucker.

I am gutted. Colin is a no good dirty porn-shag dickwad. Its over between us.

I am devestated.

Monday, October 24, 2005

Whats A Bird To Do?

Hi to the Sham possy. Hope you lot are doing just fine innit.

Do I sound like a black bird? Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep! No, not that sort of bird. I always wanted to be like Michelle Gale who was from Eastenders and then a 'blink and you will miss it' pop career. Still love that 'Looking Up' record. Black girls are dead cool.

Still, the truth is I am a fat white bird with more curves than a plate of spagetty bollocknese. I cant change who I am, even if Shelly keeps trying to get me to the gym. Exercise just isnt my thing ya know. I can shag for England, but a treadmill is just dull dull dull. Why is that?

It doesnt help when Woolies keep promoting Cadburys choccie bars at 4 for 99p. I mean, you cant just eat the one when the others are burning a hole in your hoodie pocket now can you? Today I had the shortcake biscuit, followed by the mint crisp, followed by the wafer and then the turkish delite. I feel dead stuffed, but will still be up for my Dominoes Pizza with Colin later.

Colin is really going in for his training right now. He did the gym yesterday, on a Sunday! I dont even get dressed on Sundays let alone do anything other than watch stuff like X Factor, Eastenders and Corrie on ITV2. Thank god for that freeview box that Jaymaster pinched for me. I never feel like watching Sky + in my jimjams as the rest of the family all fight over the remote control. I just stay in bed with my Pringles and my TV Quick and surf the channels. Am realy into men and motors right now, and I quite like the TV channel too. Fnar fnar.

Jay is finaly meeting his blind date on Wenesday. He has been having phonesex and texting dirty things back and forth with his mystery man who is just known as 'Dave'. It all sounds filthy to me but all credit to Jay for being a player and getting out there. Everyone needs a good seeing to, weather its up the front door or back door. Each to there own I say. Just make sure all the fit boys want to do me before they do each other. Sham first, gayers second.

Colin is seeing me on Tuesday and on Friday, he is busy all the rest of the week with his fitness lark. He is getting SO buff though, its worth it to go without seeing him for a couple of days. I get to catch up with Shelly and the gang and you get the best of both worlds with seeing bloke and mates. One things for sure, I aint getting board. I have never lasted this long with a fella before thinking "times up mate" and packing em off to the next girlfreind. Not with my Col. We are 2getha 4eva.

He was so romantic. He texted 'The Hits' music channel and did one of those 'Love-O-Meters' thingys where you text his name and my name and the telly tells you weather your gonna be shagging each other senseless or calling the hole thing off. Seems we had a 68% chance of making it. Horseshit, what do they know at 'The Hits'. Only one more passent and its oral sex innit. Losers. Well, Colin is the loser stricly speaking as it cost him £1.50 plus thee texts. Thats his top up blown already, the dickwad!

Dad is missing mom something rotten now he and Aunty Jean have stopped banging like a garage door in a high wind. She has moved onto Ralph and Richard, the two brothers who still live with there mom on Gladstone Street. There in there thirties and have never settled down with a bird, so Aunty Jean reckons theres cock actoin a plenty to be had. Shy boys can be so horny. Still, if it wasnt going into Aunty Jean it would just be on some towel under the bed, innit?

On another note I am now dead worried about catching this flu thing thats targeting women all over the world. Why is it that bird flu is being such a sexist pig and getting us girls ill? Equal virus rights I say. Oh well, that was the ping of the microwave - my pasty is ready. Gotta scoot!

Laters my lovelys x

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Hope For Us All

I just read this article in the local paper about a girl who was trying to lose her pot belly by going to the gym and dieting, but nothing was working at all.

Turns out after visiting her quack that the only thing he could suggest was that she was up the duff. Typical fucking NHS response. Duh!

After telling her doc that it was impossible that she was preggers (probably becuase she was either a total lezzer or a miss goody too shoes virgin), the doc then did an ultra sound scan and only went a found a fucking cyst that streched from her pelvis to her rib cage.

After operating on her to remove the cyst, her weight dropped 9st 2lbs to just under 8st.

Speaking to Reveal magazine, she said: "The surgeon said he had never seen a cyst so big in someone my age."

This realy filled me with joy. Not becuase some random girl is going to have a scar across her belly. I am not a total bitch. No - it was becuase it could explain why my belly is bigger than average.

Rather than go on some waiting list, I can wait until Precious Pashmina is born and get the doctors to remove my cyst at the same time. I am deffo having a cesarian, as Mom says your fanny is as slack as anything after having kids. She said that dad can no longer get her off during a shag and she has to finish herself off with her fingers. I cant say that is a nice prospect to be honest.

I might ask the surgeon to cut off the excess slack while he is at it. If its good enough for all these celebs then its good enough for the Shampayne.

Laters x

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Make It Larger For 30p

Yo muthas and hoes. Hows it hanging?

Its the Shampayne here, and I just wanna say that I *heart* you all big time.

Dom - you are oficailly forgiven. I was just being a bitch and felt like taking it out on someone, you were the someone I am afraid. Its just this fucking pregnancy, its doing my head in.

Had a pretty quiet week. Me and Col are okay, we are shagging like bunnies again after a dry spell. Col said his work at the fitness centre was making him too knackered to do me. I love his dedacatoin to that job. All those boys should know just how much time and effort is being invested into their fitness and futures. I wish somone had taken me under their wing at the age of fifteen and got me into a gym. Maybe I wouldnt be the fat fuck that you see today.

Wednesday all of us went out to the cinema. We went to see Serenety witch is written by the bloke who did Buffy and Angel. I couldnt understand a fucking word of it but Gordon and Colin loved it. Jay never showed up and rang me half an hour in to say that his rash had got worse. Seems that he picked up this nasty dermatitis thingummy at the gay sauna and was having to wear mittens in bed cuz he was scratching it like fuck. I worry about him, and Gordon and all the other bummers. Straight people never have to worry about shit like that do they. Mind you, my foo foo was dead itchy after Colin went down on me yesterday morning. Probably to do with him not shaving since Thursday. Hey ho.

Yesterday me and Col went to Maccie Ds for lunch and I had a row with the girl behind the counter for flirting with my man. All I heard was her looking at Colins packet and saying 'would you like me to make it bigger for 30p'.

Well, I ended up calling her a slag and saying that if she wanted to be a hoe she shouldnt be working for McDonalds. The manager came over and told me that Shania, the skanky fat bitch in questoin, was only asking Colin if he wanted the extra value meal and that there was some misunderstanding. Too fucking right there was. These girls can all fuck off and get there own boyfreinds. Hands off you bunch of whores.

Col was a bit narked with me and said that even if people flirt with him, he only has eyes for me. Aaaaaw, felt a bit like a twat and said sorry, witch is a big deal for the Shampayne. I am never wrong normaly you see.

Ended up patching things up in the park on the way home, as Col sugested that we had a bit of outdoor fun. Did me behind a bush and when he came he shouted 'goal!'. Boys are funny.

Next week, me and Shelly are off to London for two days. Shelly has won a makeover with 'Sugar' magazine and can take a freind with her. I aint letting some fag put shitloads of blusher on me to make me look like a fat versoin of Girls Allowed. I am going cuz its free and cuz Shelly is so excited. Sometimes I think I must be a bit of a dyke cuz I just dont get a thrill out of dressing up. Still, I enjoy cock too much to be a proper lezzer.

Laters x

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Ode To A Diva

For all of you who dont know, my good freind Emma recently turned 21. Yes, our special princess has come of age!

Now, I dont know about you, but this first picture is a bit of an homage to the queen of binge drinking. Yes, me! The style of the picture is all a bit like my main blog pic. Except that in my picture, my knickers werent half way down my thighs!

Unless Emma can tell me otherwise, it looks very much like her pants are on there way down to the floor. Gravity can be so unkind when your three sheets to the wind!

Well, its officail tribute time. What can we say about Emma? Beautiful, charming AND inteligent. She is an undergraduat (hope I spelt that right) and is going to be a archaoligist when she finishes unaversity in Cambridge. That sounds like big money and dirty hands from where I am sitting.

Each to there own I say. Not everyone wants to work in a haredressers salon Josie, other girls have ambition! Word up Emma, I am dead proud that you dont just want to shag your way into a being the bride of a rich and sucesful businessman. You want to be an inderpendent woman like Beyonce Knowitall. Result.

Anyway, heres a few pics from Emmas recent 21st party. She is a girl after my own *heart* and certainly knows how to party. Just as long as she didnt do a 'Kinga' when that bottle of shampers was finished with ;-)

Emma and Nicci getting shitfaced in some seedy venue.

I am so proud of these girls, they have clearly embraced the Shampaynes Plaice phelosophy that being a demure lady isnt as much fun as being a loud drunk. 8/10!

This is straight out of the Shampaynes school of getting a freind who is being all quiet and shy to become a party animal. Step one, tell them to lighten up, step two open bottle of shampers, step three pour into freinds mouth, step four wait ten minutes.

Step Five:

Teach freind
how to dance
dirty with a
total stranger.


How proud am I? I am like the younger sister but so much more like a mentor and encourager of bad behavoir. These girls are now total lionesses rather than the social butterflys of before. You can pay for a Cambridge educatoin but judging by these pics, these girls are not going to be sipping tea from bone china cups and balancing books on there heads. Bring it on.

Oh, and for the first time ever - welcome to Shampaynes Hall Of Shame.

Congratulatoins Dom, for forgetting Emma's birthday not sending Emma a birthday card and joining in her 21st celebrations and for not noticing that you had been given a big up on Shampaynes Plaice. You are in the naughty corner until you say 'sorry'.

Update: Actualy, I feel a bit of a bitch in saying this about Dom. He is alright realy, I was just full of whoremoans with this baby girl growing inside my belly.

Its grate being a girl. You can be a right snidey cow and just blame it on periods and childberth.

Soz Dom, Emma clearly still loves ya. I kinda love you too. And Gordon wants to do you up the bum.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

How Common

Chanelle has passed her driving test and has bought herself a car. She paid £250 for it and got Diamond Dave from AutoExpress to tart it up with some nifty transfers.

What do you reckon? Personaly I think it looks dead common. Ever fucker is waring Burbery right now and quiet frankley I am sick of it.

This is why Shampayne has burnt her bra. Not in some femanist way but because I dont want to ware what everyone else is waring.

Colin had a big chat with me about my personal style and said that there was nothing derstingashing me from other girls. He said that I should find my own way, try and acesorise and make my outfits more unicque. He is such a love. How many other boyfreinds would have so much advice for their girls? Shelly says I am dead lucky. I know it too.

God, got absolutley hammered on Friday night. There was a special promotion on at 'The Pink Pony' and me and the gang decided to go down and check it out. I havent had much of a night out since getting up the stick and thought that one night wouldnt hurt much. Well, it was triples for the price of singles and I was getting them bought for me left right and center. Result! Got so shitfaced that I fell over on the dancefloor and ended up ripping this queens blouse as I lunged for something to hold onto when going arse over tit.

Turns out this was no ordinary blouse but a Versarchy. The mincer started giving me evils and saying 'do you know who I am', 'do you know how much this cost'. When I replied and said, 'yes, your Mary, I know who you are darling and no I dont know how much it cost but it probably meant you had to do two wanks and a blowie with some bank manager, if Carl behind the bar is to be beleived.'

There was then this almighty fucking row between said poof and the barman. 'How dare you tell them I am rent' blah blah blah, she was saying. Yada yada yada, talk about making a mountain out of a molehell. Left them to it and danced to 'Reach' by S Club 7 and then realy wanted to do the 'rowing boat' floor routine, but the bastard DJ wouldnt play the rowing boat song. Ended up doing it to 'Chain Reaction' by Diana Ross. DJ kept dissing me and the gang by calling us chavs.

I ended up finishing the night by pouring my last Smirnoff triple over his turntable. That put paid to his holyer than thow atitude and general hoity toity behavoir. Fucking queens with atitude, cant bare them.

Still, with my lovely freind Jay I know that not all homos are evil. Jay is still NOT TELLING ME about his new phonesex pal and hot text date. He says he still hasnt met this fella, but its gonna happen soon. God, I could never fingerfuck myself with some total stranger over the telephone - seems that these gays are happy to talk dirty to just anyone.

Not me sweety, my lips are sealed!

Laters x

PS Emma, give my love to all the trumpers. Keep up the swotting, it will all pay off. Wheres Nicci and Dom these days? I miss there comments, espesh as Dom was plastered all over my plaice recently. Doesnt he love me no more?

PPS Kleverkloggs, get knitting. I want those bootees!

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Once I Had A Secret Love

Sorry about last weekend. I was so bloody mad that after spending an hour writing my blog that blogger just went tits up on me. I simpatheyes with Barnzey, a recent new fan of the websight, who also lost his work. Its not as if I have fucking aeons of time to write my shit neither. Well, bollocks to it, I aint gonna harp on about it no longer.

Well, where do I start? Jay is all loved up right now as he has been swapping texts and emails with a new love interest. Jay is such a secretive bugger though as he wont tell me anything about it, name, where he lives, job etc. Mind you, Jay had kept being a bummer quiet for ages before me and Shelly busted him so being all cloke and dagger is a familair game for the old slag.

I am definately having a girl, its confirmed. Thank fuck for that, seeing as though everyone thinks the baby should be called 'Precious Pashmina'. I realy like the name but Colin isnt so keen. He says it sounds like a members of Destiny Childs, the pop group. I realy like Beyonce though, and who cares if we blur the boundarys a bit with traditoinal names and all that stuff. I want my baby to be specail, just like her mum.

I have quit my health and beaty coarse at collige, as Mrs McConville said there was not point in doing part of a year with the baby due and all that. I cant be arsed to join a year later with all new students and all that malarkey, so I am gonna go on the dole for a bit. Its only like maternity leave but the govement start paying it a lot sooner. Result!

Mom is gonna get released in time for Chrimbo, thank fuck. Dad and Aunty Jean have packed in the shagging each other game, as Aunty Jean usualy gets bored after the fourth time. She just wants new cock all the time. A bit like my brother Gordon. He has been seeing a member of that failed boyband Phixe who lost out in Popstars The Rivels. He met him at a club in London a couple of weeks ago and got off with him in the toilets. Such a romantic. I told him that he should keep doing him long enough to get me an invite to a record company. Once this baby is born I could become another Kylie or Rachael Stephens, innit!

Colin is spending loads of time building his career and reputatoin with the martail arts training. Those boys at the club are dead lucky to have someone so dedicated looking after them. Trouble is Colin comes home so tired that he doesnt want to do me as much these days. I know its not cuz I am fat or preggers, I mean I am looking well horney at the minute. Cant say its such a big deal, seeing as though I have that huge dildo to keep me entertaind. Thank christ for Ann Summers, the patron saint of masterbation.

I am going to Nottingham with Shelly on Wendesay for a look around the shops and then its a check up on the baby at hospital with Colin on Friday.

Got confirmatoin that my comunity service is completed. They said the risk assesment was too high to make me do phisical work now I am with child. Hoo fucking ray I say. Result. After that shit with the old fokes home and the allergatoins of theft I think I have paid back to the comunity alright - in sweat. But no blood or tears, cuz I dont do that squish squish runny eyes thing. The Shampayne is hard you know.

Anyways, I have been promising to big up the lovely Dom for ages now by posting his lovely trannie phase on Shampaynes Plaice. Sorry to all you trumpers for the lack of posting and comments etc. I still love you big time.

Enjoy. He only did this for a little while, as he attracted the wrong sort of man. Bless.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Who Put The Sham In Shampayne?

Can I just say for the record that this Blogger websight is the biggest peace of fucking trash in the world EVER. I have just spent an hour updating it and the bastard goes and tells me 'blog not found' when I hit the publish button.

Well, fuck it. I cant be arsed to type all of that in again. What a cunt!

Monday, September 19, 2005

Name The Babysham!

Sunday, September 18, 2005

Hi bitches, queens and muthafuckas. Its Shampayne in the house! Yes, after sinking into a bit of a derpression over this baby malarkey I have decided its time to pick myself up, dust myself down and be a grown up about it. Ive had a bit of a makeover to cheer myself up.

What do you think? Ive actualy lost a bit of weight in the last month which is dead wierd seeing as I am up the stick. Still us bigger girls tend to show a bit later than skinny beyotches. Result!

Emma and Nicci, do you think this look is working? I dont want to look all cheap but my Colin says he loves my folds of flesh and my curvs and says I should show myself off a bit more. I think I look well fuckable myself, but then again Mum said I was never one to hide my bush under a light, or whatever the saying is.

I decided that I would take Doms advice and shag Colin senseless without the condom. I timed it all right and got shut of Dad to Aunty Jeans for the night. I know there fucking each other but I know its all gonna come to a stop once Mom is released from prison. I would rather Dad shagged someone in the family than a total stranger, at least I know Aunty Jean washes her minge regularley. You should see some of the dirty cows that go with just anything down the local pub. Slappers, all of em. At least the McClusky family is a bit picky about which cock goes into a hole. Even if my brother Gordon is excluded from that statement. He is a walking sperm bank that boy.

So, Col came back from the fitness center and I got him a Bacardy Breezar from the fridge and popped one of Dads old porn VHS tapes on. It was a gang bang with two blonds in called Sugar Kane and Candy Kane, who were sisters hell bent on making it big in Holywood. The only thing they seemed to make big were all the cocks that went into EVERY horrorfice that those girls had, including ears and eyes. Dirty bitches! Still, it got Col dead horny and he had to have me there and then on the lounge carpet. He said 'we need pertection' and I told him it was alright as the painters and decoraters were in and there was no chance I was gonna get preggers. He bought it and duly knocked his mansoup up my chuff. Result!

Anyways, I waited until yesterday before braking the news to Colin that he is gonna be a daddy. He took it dead well and cried like a right poof! I have never seen Col get upset, he kept saying things like 'I cant beleive it!' and 'A baby, fucking hell, a baby', which just confirmed that he is dead made up after all. He said he had to go home and have some space to think, which probabley meant he was gonna go out and get me some suprise present or summat. Result! Here's my lovely gorgous fiansay Colin after I told him the good news. He looks so happy doesnt he?

I have now been having a good old think about babys name and have shortlisted some of them with Jay and Shelly. Colin has been dead quiet this afternoon and hasnt contributed any ideas. Keeps texting one of his mates and just saying 'yeah, whatever' when the three of us have been coming up with ideas. Straight blokes are crap with all things babywise arent they? Emma knows what I am talking about, she had to name all three of her kids by herself. Mind you, the fathers hardly knew Emma let alone the kids. Thats how life goes.

Tomorrow I will publish the list of baby names, and you lot get to pick the name! How good am I to you. Got to get back to the dining table where Shelly and Jay are flicking through old copies of Hello and Okay for more ideas. What about Sapphire Diamonique Rochelle? That's classy.

Laters x

Sunday, September 11, 2005


I havent blogged all week cuz I have been preocerpied by my life. My life has turned to shit.

Why? Cuz I am bloody well pregnant after all.

Worst thing is that Colin and I have been using condoms since the first week when I had a similer pregnancy scare. He was dead grown up about it and said we shouldnt risk our relatoinship by adding a baby into the eqautoin or summat like that. I thought it was senseble as I dont realy want kids yet and abortoins are just a pain in the arse. Well maybe more a pain in the foo foo, but you know what I mean.

It stands to reason that the baby was fathered that bastard scrote of a enema boss at work. I only lasted a day because the work was dull as fuck. These stupid bitches from the tills kept asking how much things were on the internal phone system just cuz they wouldnt scan. If I had a pound for every time I replied "Its a pound Leanne, everythings a pound!", I would of been a milionhare. So, the boss calls me in tells me at the end of day one that Leanne and Shaznay have complaned that I have "an atitude problem", so he says that I can only keep the job by giving him a blowie.

I decided that it was time to teach the git a lesson, so when he whopped his todger in my gob I gave it a good old bite and did a runner. Not before having taken £50 out of the till. Result!

I got a call on my moby at home later saying that I was gonna get prosecuted for theiving the till, so I said "your DNA is still inside my mouth, you press charges and your gonna get a rape charge mate". He backed right off. Double result!

Still, none of this changes the fact that I am having a baby by someone other than my lovely Col. I havent told him and have been thinking about what or how to bring it up. Shelly and Jay have been lovely telling me that we could always say it must of been a split johnny or summat. Not sure Col will buy it and I may end up being dumped. Shit.

What should I do? Should I tell Colin whats hapened and face being dropped like a hot potatoe?

Should I pertend that the baby is Colins and play happy familys?

Should I get shut of the baby and make out that none of this has even hapened?

Whats a girl to do? I know the trumpers are all on holiday, but all of my other tresured readers can surley give me some good well healed advice right now? Laters my loyle freinds.

Sham, by name and nature x

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Up The Junction

Shel bought me the two preggers testing kits during The X Factor. She kept Colin and Dad chatting whilst I buggered off to the bog to find out if I am gonna have a baby or not.

One of the kits said yes, the other said no. Shit. Where is my knicker-lasagne when I need it? Bring on that blood tide, I aint ready for no brat. Especaily if its that bastard 'do everyone for a quid' pig dog man that made me suck and fuck for a crappy admin job. I feel so stupid now.

Col was strangley quiet all night. He didnt want to have sex and hasnt ended up staying. He said he was nackerd after teaching the newish lads their akeido moves, he is so proud of them and said one was cumming on realy well. He takes it realy serously though and I sometimes feel that I come second to marsial arts.

Still, I am probebly feeling all emotoinal cause of hormones or whatever. Shit, that means I realy am up the stick doesnt it?

What am I gonna do? I cant sit it out for more than a week or I am gonna start being sick. The last seven times I caught pregnant I was vomming within five days. At least I will know sooner rather than later.

Say a silent prayer for me. Emma, Nicci - just think back to all those times when you woke up shitfaced in a strangers flat in Cambridge. Wondering whether you were pregnant or in need of colonic irigatoin to get rid of the rugby teams 'deposits' that theyd left after getting you pished on absinth. You must know how I feel right now.

Sham needs her mates right now. If only I had some 'mates' when dirty dave did me. Fuckety doo dah, my life is like a BBC3 drama. Cheaper, but amusing in plaices.

Laters x

Saturday, September 03, 2005

It Only Takes A Minit

So, I arived at 'Quids In' on Thursday night to have my proper interveiw for the office job. The shop was closed so it was just me and Dave the manager. He sat me down in his office and I felt a bit like Sharon Stone in Basic Instincs cuz Dave was slumped back on this comfy sofa while I was sat on this plastic chair a few metres away. I could sware he was looking up my skirt the dirty git.

I got asked about my prevois expereince so I started rattling on about my beauty coarse at collige and the part time work I did before I got sacked. Dave then told me he was'nt that botherd about my prevois work expereince and said "I just wanna know how expereinced you are" with a bloody big twinkle in his eyes. The dirty bastard.

So, it seems that the only way the Shampayne was gonna get this job was to give sexual favers. I dont know what it is with me and men. They always want my body. Not that I can blame them but this time I dont wanna cheat on my lovely Colin. I have never been faithful in my life before meeting Col and didnt want to start now. But needs must and I ended up on my knees giving Dave a big blowy. It was alright but he kept grabbing my poneytale and saying "cmon bitch, suck that dick", just like some cheap porno film.

He came all over my gold chain and started making crap jokes about giving me a perl necklace to match the bling bling. I said "I had better fucking have this job now you git" and he said "all the candedates have to do that, if you realy want it then its a case of going all the way". Bugger! There I was chowing down on his manmeat thinking that giving head isnt realy being unfaithful and that I wouldnt have to tell Colin. I didnt think for a minit I was gonna have to let him plow my ladygarden. I thought about it and then thought 'fuck it', if I am gonna get dobbed in to Col for screwing someone else, I may as well get a job out of it and one that earns you money rather than giving you jaw ache.

Dave insisted on doing me on all fores and kept grabbing my hare and saying "take that cock, cmon take that cock you bitch!". All I could think of were those awful porn films that mom and dad used to watch before they got a dvd player. At least I wasnt getting DVDA like the one poor actress did in "Madame Hussein And Her Weapons Of Mass Seduction". For all of you who dont know what DVDA is, its double anal double vaginel. Its not for the light *hearted* I tell ya.

Dave did me twice and then said "okay, the job is yours" as he wiped his knob on the curtains, "you can start on Monday and dont be late".

Well, I havent even started the job yet - but I am late. Yes, it seems that I am now possibly preggers and it could be Daves or Colins. I dont realy want a baby as I am too young but if I end up having a seventh abortoin it mite wreck my chances of having a kid when I am ready for it. Shit. Anyway, nothing is for certain just yet as I am waiting for Shelly to come back from town with my preggers testing kit. She said that Supadrug has a blind spot and her and Charlie are going on the rob. I told her to get me two kits just in case. I wanna be doubley sure.

I dont know, I just think that no matter how smart and manipulatev I am as a woman, theres always some bloke that ends up getting the upper hand with the Shampayne. I tell you summat, that Dave had better not think its gonna be a regular shag session. I can hardly come home from a hard day at the office with my knickers smelling like a ripe peace of brie or a salmon muller corner can I? Colin is gonna know summats up when he goes down on me and finds that I am oozing mansoup from my foo foo. Grose.

I will of coarse let you know all about it. I just wish I had never set eyes on that 'Quids In' shop. I certainly got more for my pound that I bargined for. A good pounding more like.

On a brighter note, the meal went realy well and dad loved the pie. We burnt the crispy pancakes though as I thought it said 32 minits in the oven and it was only 12. Bad result! Still, my sister looked dead cute in the waitress outfit, even if she does desprately need a good waxing down there. She will be able to plait that hare soon if she dont watch out!

Laters x

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Kiss My Arse Deleah Smith

Last night Col and I stayed in and watched some romantic films on the settee.

I realy liked ‘Seed Of Chucky’ and ‘I Know Who You Did Last Summer’ but Cols mind was elsewhere. You know, if I am gonna rent some DVDs, well I say ‘rent’ because Shelly has contacts at Blocbusters who can ‘borrow’ films on the sly, then I want to watch them and not miss half the fucking story cuz Colin starts getting all horny on me.

I have told Col, if you wanna get jiggy with the Shampayne, then you need to get some decent porno films from Jonno at Subway Sarnies. He has loads of stuff on offer and you can pass him a list of your ‘wants’ when you pop in for a hot bacon baget. Result!

I mean its hardly a big deal to take your eyes off the screen for ten minutes whilst you give your boyfriend head, is it? Emma knows what Im talking about. Just the sound of some bleach blond bimbo getting spit roasted and moning like she is being split in two is dead sexy and puts me and Col in the mood.

Yesterday during the day I decided that I would phone the ‘Quids In’ shop to see if there was any news on my interveiw. Seems like the manager Dave said that it was all a formalety and that the job is more or less mine. I just have to pop in at 6:30pm on Thursday and see him for a one to one chat. He told me to ware summat nice. Fingers crossed then for the Shampayne!

Col said it was dead weird that Dave wants to interview me so late, but its my life and I wanna make a good impression. Col has only ever worked in the feild of sport so what does he know about proper jobs? No one tells the Shampayne what she can and cant do.

Tonight I am cooking a meal for dad and aunty Jean with some help from Charlie. Chanelle is still playing the cripple big time and isnt lifting a bloody finger. I tell you, I am tempted to jump in front of a bus if it gets you out of doing all the chores. Some girls are so lazy.

I have taken charge of the menu and Charlie is going to pertend to be a waitress and dress up. aunty Jean had a waitress outfit funily enough. Not sure why as she has never worked in the service industry in her life. Its a bit short but Charlie has got cracking legs. Much better than mine. Colin told me I had legs like corned beef which resulted in a swift knee in the bollocks. Result.

Our menu for tonight:

Findus Crispy Pancake with salad leafs
Chicken baked in puff pastry with Dairylea cheese filling.
Birds Trifle with a big fucking dash of Tea Maria!

The pie is gonna be a bit tricky as I am making it from scratch. I am peeling the breadcrumbs off some chicken nuggets we have in the freezer and have to roll out the pastry. I just hope that its defrosted by 6:00 or we mite have to resort to giving them more crispy pancakes.

Dad thinks its dead sweet and tells me that wifes fall into three catagorys:




I am not sure which one I perspire to be like the most. I was gonna do another one of those poll things, but none of you fuckers bother to fill ‘em in.

Anyway, got some pans and stuff to get out of the cubored so I cant stay here talking to you lot now can I?

Laters x

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Show Me Your Trunchen

Soz all for the delay in writing the blog again but its been a right busy old time once again. Have just got back from Manchester with Colin and Gordon. We went up there for the Mardy Gras and it was all bummers galoar! Loads of fit blokes and loads of big brash bears in checked shirts and snow wash denim. I know the 80s are back like, but the fashion statements outside 'The Rembrant' realy needs a makeover big time.

Gordon and Col get on grate and I am dead pleased that despight being so manly, Colin gets on just fine with the gays. As you know, what with Jay being my bestest male freind and my brother being a gayer its important that any signifecant other is comfy with a cocksucker in tow.

We did the bars and as the weather was nice we stood outside watching the world go by. Manchester is such a glamerous city, much nicer than Milton Kenes and the beer is much cheaper. Getting change from a tenor is good when theres three drinks in a round. Those staff at the Rembrant need to fucking learn how to spot how long youve been waiting though. I stood for twenty minutes and all these queens kept pushing in and waving there notes at arms lenth. Still, you dont get anywhere in this life by being a quiet wallflour.

The weekend was a celebration, after being arrested last week for stealing the jewely from Sherry and getting kept in a police station for four hours until they could check her story. Her son grassed me up and of course Sheila at that bastard old fokes home just asumed I had pinched the two rings. Kiss my ring thats what I say. I have sold the wedding ring anyways as I needed money for the weekend in Manchester. I got £265 quid for it on ebay. Result!

Shelly has split with Darren. I am impresed that her long distance relatoinship has lasted this long since we went on holiday. It seems that Darren just couldnt keep his cock in his pants and was screwing everything in site. Including boys too. What is it with buysexuals? I think its just greedy or lazy. Cant find someone within your prefered gender, then just find someone with a pulse and a hole. Grose. I would never tolerate a buysexual fella, you dont want them thinking of there best mates bum when there giving your foo foo a good pounding with the lights off, do you?

I have been sacked from my part time job and have now got an interveiw at Quids In, our local everything's a pound shop. I am gonna be in the office and not on the shop floor, so of coarse Dad is dead proud and keeps calling me Miss Exec. Ive got to get the fucking job first innit! I will be on the Price Control desk and have to check the price of goods when things dont scan at the till. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

On another note, Emma its fucking bad luck that you got robbed on holiday. But thats eastern europe for you babe. At least you didnt get finger fucked by a dodgy cab driver, or maybe you did and just havent said. We must swap ideas for the wedding make up etc etc. Maybe you me and Nicci should get together or summat. Shel is a bit pissed at having to be just one of my bridesmades, but I reckon you have to do the right thing by all of your mates.

Anyway, Dad is shouting me to come into the lounge before my chips get cold. I hate it when you get a skin forming on your curry sauce. We are gonna watch X Factor that we recorded on Sky Plus. I think Dad just likes to watch the girls in skimpy outfits before going to knock one out in the bathroom. Still, I would rather he indulg in a spot of DIY than shag some tart on the side. Theres no shortage in this housing block neither, with yours truly out of that eqautoin of coarse.

Laters x

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Ring Ring

Alright alright so I havent blogged for a few days. Its been a bit of a rolercoster since we last spoke. Chanelle got rushed to hospitel cuz her broken leg was all shagged up and she got a DVT and nearly pegged it. God I hate hospitels so much as they are so bloody derpresing, still there was some right fit fucks in there. Dr Bosworth who was treating Chan was as fit as. End of.

Where shall I start? Oh yeah. The community service at the old bags home! What a fucking palaver thats been. You remember me telling you about Sherry, the old deer who kept telling me that me and her were long lost relatives cuz of our names? Well, she has been slipping me cash every time I have been working at the home as she said her bastard son cant wait for her to peg it so he can get his mits on her dosh. Who am I to argue with an old woman who knows her own mind.

Anyway, Sheila the manager only copped me taking a tenner from Sherry after I was cleaning the dinner plates away. She gets me in the office and says that I am a theif. Wehn I told Sheila to go and mind her fucking bisness she went and reported me to my community liaisen officer. I figered that it was gonna be the last time I would see Sherry and the other olduns, so went into Sherrys room and said my goodbyes. It was dead sad and Sherry started crying and all that. I told her that it was alright and that she could still give me money if she wanted and scribbled down my adress. Sherry said that Sheila would never let a letter adressed to me out of the building, so she only went and took her wedding ring and engagment ring off and gave them to me. She said she hates her sons wife big time and didnt want the cow to have her jewlry. Result! I mean, it feels a bit wierd taking someones stuff. With their permision I mean! I am gonna keep in touch with Sherry, its funny how summat I realy expected to hate has not been all that bad.

What next. Oh yeah. Jay and Clive have decided to split. Jay wasnt that botherd by it for some reason. He says that its just that apart from the sex they have nothing in common. I cant understand Jay sometimes. I mean, I have Shelly to talk to and I have Colin to shag. All bases covered. Gays can be so picky. I have told him that he had better think about finding a boyfreind that he likes as at the age of 18 he is only 12 years away from gay death. Once he gets to 30 his life is over. Gays dont like old people unless they have money. I mean look at that Fernish bloke who is dating that old pensoiner who sang at Lady Di's funeral.

Next up. Colin is still loving me up like a woman needs to be loved. I never thought that I would ever be so much into bum sex either. With other blokes it was always summat that I did to stop them dumping me but I kinda realy like it with Colin. He is dead wierd though and keeps calling me 'mate' when he is cumming. When I asked him about it he said that it was short for 'solemate' and that its cuz he loves me. I *heart* him still big time and have never felt like this about any man before, not even Trevor Hallworth who I was engaged to on my 16th birthday. He was the one who took my cherry and taught me to apreciate the male member. Turns out that he was a nonce as after doing me for two years he told me I was too old for him and broke off our engagement just weeks after my birthday. Still, Dad ended up braking his legs and got him nicked for doing me underage. Result. I *heart* my Dad. He has always been my first love and will probebly by my last. Bless.

What else. I know theres summat else I should be telling you lot. Let me think. Oh yeah!

I am engaged. Result!

Laters x

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Fuck Off Cafe Girl

Some skanky dirty evil misgided stinky feaces eating hoarbag i.e Cafe Girl and her STI ridden fan club The Cafeterias have been having a go at my mates from Trumpington Street.

If we are gonna start comparing real versus fake then examine the evidence if you will

Here comes the science!

Exhibit One - Dom

A fine specamin of manhood. Sits on the side of the church alongside Mark Almond, Jimmy Summervile, Julien Clarey and Graham Norten. Likes cock and has a bit of a thing for men in uniform, so had decided to become a paramedic in order to easily meet other chaps dressed up like The Young Doctors. Earned his nickname cuz of his prefered role in bed.

Verdict - real

Exhibit Two - Nicci

Currently studying to be a ballarina or was it a gernetic enganeer? I forget now but more importantly, she is extremely pretty - which is the one main qualaficatoin you need to get yourself a husband and nice things in this journey we call life. Top bird, can hold her drink and is best mates with Shampaynes most frequent visiter EMMA.

Verdict - fresher than fresh, exciting.

Exhibit Three - Emma

Total babe and Shampaynes Plaices most frequent and tresured visiter. Always on hand to post a comment and defend Shampaynes vertue when others are sticking the knife in (Trudie, Josie, Cafe Girl etc etc). Has her own grate websight about making poo sandwiches and likes dirty websights, witch is probebly why she is such a big fan of MY blog.

Loves boys but ocasionaly flirts with lesbianism - which makes her SO cool.

Verdict - Keeping it real

Exhibit Four - Ugly Bitch Cafe Girl

What can I say - ugly, bad hare, looks like a drag queen. Stinks of piss.

I think you will all agree with the Shampayne on this one. Who looks real and who looks fake?

Cafe Girl - you aint got it going on. Give it up girlfreind.

I can hardly be arsed to blog today, but her coments slagging the Trumpers off realy made my blood boil. Now leave me alone so I can flick myself off to the fit lads on Trisher.


Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Oh For God Sake Just Die (Part Two)

Wotcher. Cant beleive I have been such a stupid cow.

It seems that Sara Pipalini doesnt actually exist. I had been listening to the telly in the background, UK History, which for once wasnt showing something about world war II - I know - its a fucking miracle.

Looks like when I herd the narater talking about Sara Pipalini being laid by 2400 men in six months that he was actualy refering to the Sahara Pipeline. Jay told me this morning after he had been reading Shampaynes Plaice. Its not my falt that I never paid atention more carefuly to the telly, I was busy picking the dead skin off my feet.

Anyways it seems that the FIVE of you who voted want me to be Kylie. Result! I am halfway there acording to the comments left anyhows. Cheers you lot - but can more of you fucking vote next time purlease!

Went to the old folks home this morning and met Sheila Falkirk the manageress who seemed okay at first but had changed to total queen fucking bitch only an hour later. She got the Shampayne to do some folding of bed linin first witch was okay. Got to meet some of the other staff. Theres Stella, who has been there for four years and has a boz eye. I never knew where to look - the left one or the right and was never sure if she was talking to me or not, so kept saying 'yeah' after each sentence to make sure.

I helped at lunchtime by taking plates of grub to the tables and then had to chat to the old dears. Some of them are alright and were being dead nice to me. One old lady called Sherry kept telling me that we could of been long lost relatives, seeing as we are both named after booze. Silly old goat. Still, she put a folder fiver in my parm and told me to say nothing to Sheila. Result! Will have to make sure I keep her sweet so she can continue to make it worth my while in going.

Most of them seem to just sleep and dont want to talk. Unless you change the chanel on the telly and then its fucking world war III! God, it must be the one plesure left in life as there clearly too old to shag each other. Eeew. The thought of it.

Sheila is a total hoar and bitch fucker becuase she made me take Janice to the toilet and said that I had to supervise her going for a poo. Grose. I didnt know WHERE to look. Spesh as she was straining a bit to get it moving. Eeew. Double grose.

When I bought Janice back to the dinner table, Sheila asked me if Janice had washed her hands. I said 'I dunno has the cat got her tong or summat'. Sheila then grabbed my arm and took me to one side and said 'look here you council flat scum, I dont want you here and if you keep this up then I am going to make things very shitty indeed'

For once I was a bit gobsmacked. Not even my Mom talks to the Shampayne like that. I am not gonna let the bitch get away with it though. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I am back there again on Friday. Gotta get there for frigging 9:00 this time! Bastards.

On another note - cant beleive that Craig has been booted out of the Big Bother house. I thought it was gonna be that fat skanky scumbag Kinga. In fact, I used the phone at the old folks home 23 times to vote for her. Poor Anthony! Jay reckons that Anthony will go to peaces now. Cant wait for the interveiw with Dervina at 9:30.

Must go. Got to get a shag in with the lovely Colin as he is off to Akedo at 9:30. Says he is helping some new lad out with his fitness program. He is so good to all those boys at the fitness club.

PS Dom, Emma and Nicci - there at it again posting coments saying you lot are all made up. Sort em out will ya. Laters!

PPS To anser the question, Chanelle got run over by the DHL delivery van. The driver has screwed Aunty Jean in the past and now he has screwed Chanelle. Poor cow. My *heart* goes out to her at this dificult time.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Oh For God Sake Just Die!

Got a phone call at 5pm from this big wig person responsable for making sure that I am doing my comunity service. Seems like I 'forgot' to turn up on Monday morning for the first stint at the old folks home.

Well pardon fucking me. Its not my fault if I was being rogered senseless by my boyfreind and forgot to get out of bed all day - is it?

As a punishment the sentense has gone up to 20 hours insted of 15.


Jay was over at the time I got the call. Havent seen much of him since the holiday and it was grate to catch up. He was asking me all about Colin and I was being all coy - cuz I know what Jay is like. It would'nt be the first straight bloke that Jay has got pissed and then fucked. He claims to have had 9 straight blokes so far and reckons they all woke up with bumholes like bullet wounds the next day. Its wrong if you ask me, theres plenty of gays out there so why try to convert straights to the dark side? Keep your hands off Colin you big bumboy!

I have got to report to the old dears home on Wenesday now. Fucking 10am start too! I *hate* early mornings. They had better not make me do anything grose, like bedpans or wiping arses. I can barely do my own after a night on the Bacardy Breezers.

Jay is convinced I am gonna end up killing one of the old people while there in my care. What sort of a slap happy monster does he think I am? I am not a total cow.

Oh and so far people think I wannabe Kylie Minoge. Sara got one vote and one person doesnt give a fuck. Come on you lot, get voting.

Laters x

PS Chanelle got run over yesterday and has broke her leg. She was pissed at the time so she aint getting no sympathy from the Shampayne. I suppose I had better phone mom and tell her.

Monday, August 08, 2005


Soz for the lack of posting during the last week but you know how it is - your busy living your life rather than writing about it on your blog page.

Things are going exeptoinaly well with me and Colin. We have practicaly spent a hole week in bed and its been grate. I have to say Col has got some good staying power and is always wanting to do me. I mean the Shampayne has got a high sex drive and has often been a moody cow cuz her shags have 'reached the finish line' before she is ready. Not with Colin, he is a sex god!

We have been watching loads of telly in bed at Colins plaice. Including Big Brother. All I can say is that Kinga girl is a fucking skanky slag. I would NEVER act like such a slut and thats saying summat for the Shampayne. If I ever bump into her in a club I will tell her what a dirty bitch she is. Talk about giving girls a bad name. Hoar.

Have been watching BBLive on E4 and saw what Minger sorry Kinga had for brekkie. Just look!

It's spagetty with fried egg and bread and butter. Fucking hell someone ring Gillian Anderson from You Are Who You Eat and report the bitch for not only being ugly, but for eating utter shit. Not even the Shampayne would dream of having such an unhelthy breakfast.

Mind you, Colin has been making sure I have had plenty of protein inside me first thing each day. Burp.

You know how you have those daft conversatoins in bed about who you would be if you werent yourself? I have drawn up a shortlist of who the Shampayne wood be if she wasnt busy being Shampayne!


Number One - Emma Bunten

I used to love Spice Girls and especaily Emma or Baby as she used to be known as. She was always a goody two shoes but sexy with it. I wish I was more like her as I think I look a bit easy rather than virginel. I know I know, your all gonna disagree with that comment and rush to my defense but its true. I may not be a lady - but I am all woman.

Number Two - Kylie Minoge

What is there to say about Kylie? She has been around forever and still looks like a totel babe. She aint bad for an old bird. I love her cloths too and she never has a bad hare day nether. Still I hope she gets better real soon. I would just hate it if I had to have anything done to my tits - my *heart* realy goes out to her, but not Dannii as Dannii is a talentless cow who cant do nothing original of her own. Copycat.

Number Three - Sara Pipalini

I dont know much about Sara but she is already a heroin of mine for being laid by over 2400 men in six months. Respect to the girl, that is some feet and surely she should be in the Ginnes Book Of Whatever It Is for beating Anabel Chang that chinese porn star who fucked a load of fellas in her video. Small fry work Anabel, dont come back until your in Sara Pipalinis leage!

So, lets have another pointless poll - tell me who you think I wannabe and when I am bored and have nothing else to say I will publish the results!

Sunday, July 31, 2005

When Will I Be Famous

I cant answer. I cant answer that.

The DJ at Retro Heteros was playing this video on Friday night. I kinda wish I was around in the 80s as it seems that everything was more fun and fashion was much more stilish. Still I am only going on music and clothes. Lets not forget Thatcher and the bastard tories. They fucked up the 80s considarabley.

Yesterday Colin and I went to Birmingam for the day. I have done the nightlife there but aint done the shops and shit so we hopped on a train from MK to the *heart* of the midlands. Yous lot have all been nagging me for a piccie of Colin. So - due to populer demand here is my baby!

Isnt he a fucking dreamboat? I was dead proud to be seen out with him and LOADS of girls were all eyeing him up big time. I spent most of the day shoving them out the way and saying FUCKING FIND YOUR OWN BLOKE BITCH. Must be a Birmingam thing as girls there seem to be starved of any kind of male talent. All of the men in the Bullsring were minging. Totaly.

Colin said that he was gonna pay for the hole day and started off by cueing at the railway station. I told him to forget that and use the money for more important things like cloths and cds and mobile acesorys etc. Noone came to check the tickets on the way there so it just goes to show you dont have to pay for pubic transport. Result!

It pissed down all day so we were indoors most of the time. I have never been to Starbacks before, it was dead posh and they had these fucking posh cakes and sarnies that were bloody expensive. Must be because its imported from america or summat. We just had a coffee each as Col said we would have a Maccie Ds for dinner.

Col bought me a teeshirt from JD Sports. They were all in the sale and they didnt have my size on show but I found an XXL on one of the dummys, so I dismanteld the shop display and took the top off it. The girl on till three got dead arsey with me so I shouted at her DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO FUCKING BUY ANYTHING OR WHAT. She called the manager and I got asked to leave. Not before helping myself to some sweatbands and a couple of keyrings. Result!

In town we bumped into this lad who looked like a right bummer who seemed to know Colin. Colin said he used to do aikedo with him at school. Its cool that Colin isnt scared of the gays as its important that he gets on with Jay and Clive and Josh etc. I dont want no homeofobic boyfreind as the Shampayne is a modern woman you know.

Had a supersize meal and a McFlurry. There doing a WillyWonka versoin at the minit cause of the film. I was joking with this woman on the next table that it wouldnt be the first time I had something creamy from a willy around my chops. She had no fucking sence of humor as she took her kids and moved to another table. Snotty cow. Fuck em fuck em all. I dont like Birmingam people at all so far. Except all the gays in The Nightingayle.

On the way home the train was packed so Colin and I 'upgraded' to first class. The ticket colectors never asume you havent got a ticket so we never got chalenged once. It was wierd though as the woman oposite had forgoten to put her top on and had been shopping in her bra. Take a look!

It was all too much exitement for Col, he flaked out about five mins after we had sat down. The woman with no top on got a bit pissed at me for eating one of those takeaway pizzas that they sell in the statoin concorse. Col bought it me as it was gonna be 90 mins before we could have our tea. Bless him hes such a romantic. Heres Col making the most of the first class seats. It makes me sleepy looking at this pic. I *heart* him already, I realy do!

Got back to the flat and everyone was out. Col isnt a naturel go getter so I helped him out by showing him my tits. He soon responded and took me nice and rough on the lounge floor. He has a nice big cock I am pleased to report and only needed a rest of about ten mins before he wanted to go again. Did me doggy stile over the edge of the sofa and we made so much noise that Shellys mom came down to see if everything was okay. I told her it was alright and what she thought was someone being murderd was actualy me cumming like I was being penetrated by a horse. She laughed and told me 'I hope your being safe Shampayne!'

Me? Safe? My idea of safe sex is to do it in a bus shelter.

Col did me a third and forth time and afterwards we had a bath. He realy likes titwanks too.

Result! Not only has the Sham got a good looking man he can also shag her senceless. I know your all pleased for me. God knows its been at least a month since I had any cock action.

Do let me know what you think of Colin. I do value your opinoin!

Laters x

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

He Used To Bring Me Roses

I got to court early, cause my breif said that she had to go through loads of admin crap and stuff. I got up dead early at 08:30, which was a killer after all the Cheeky Vimtos I drank last night at 'Retro Heteros', which is a new 'mixed' bar - basicaly an 80s DJ with loads of boys who dont want to say outrite that they are bummers and think that people mite think there straight cause its a 'mixed' bar. Well, thats what Jay reckons anyway.

The gang all ralyd round last night to cheer me up. If you ask me it was more of a 'last night of freedom' thing in case the Shampayne is banged to rights, innit?

I am pleased to say though that SHAMPAYNE IS A FREE WOMAN! Hurray x 1,000,000 etc.

I am now the proud owner of a ASBO however, which is short for anti socail berhavour order. I am no longer alowed to go down the road that Trudie lives in for any reason at all. Not now, not ever. This is suposed to make sure that any bad blood between our familys is stopped cuz it makes it imposible to post dogshit through her letter box etc.

Still - botherd. I have been there and done that and its not as if I sit around all day thinking of ways to piss Trudie off. The court was trying to make out that I could of had something to do with the kidnaping of her cherwower and pooing in the kitchin sink earlier in the year but they cant prove nowt. Result!

I have got 15 hours of community service at an old bags home which will be a peace of piss. Read some Cathrin Cookson books to them and fluff there pillows. I mean its hardly hard labia is it?

I realy wanna thank all of yous for your suport during the past few days. I am meeting Colin for tea later. He sais we should spoil ourselves and have a sit in Maccie Ds instead of the drive thru. I want him to make it super sized for only 30p! Going to court gives a girl an apetite.

Charlie and Chanelle were gutted as they thought that they were gonna be able to convert my bedroom into a walk in wardrobe. I thought about walloping them for being such *heart*less bitches, but remembred I am a pacifist.

Pass a fist here, pass a fist there...

Laters x

PS I *heart* you all, I realy do!

Tuesday, July 26, 2005

I *Heart* My Mom

Sometimes we forget just how much our moms have done for us over the years and one day they arent gonna be around. Yeah I know what your thinking, whats she got all seroius for all of a sudden? Well, when you hit a bit of an oil slick along the path of life you tend to 'take stock', whatever that means.

Since my mom got sent down I have realy missed her! Not just because she did all the cooking, cleaning and ironing - thats obvoius. I realy miss all the rows we had about me coming home later, keeping my room untidy, being cheeky to my dad and for sitting on my brothers face and farting. All the things that normal familys get up to.

I realy miss all of that. Its been so quiet in here that I feel that someone died ya know?

Mom wrote to us a few days ago and she slipped a letter in just for me. Gordon and the twins were just included in the mane family one. Not that mom loves them any less but me and her have always had a closeness that isnt there with the others. Maybe its because I used to lie for her when I was younger by pretending to be four when I was realy six so she never had to pay for me on the bus. Its all them unspoken things innit?

This is what my mom said:

Dear Sham

First of all I *heart* you big time. Things have been tough in here. Drug pushers, child merlesters, prostitutes all around. But these women are people too you know? Someones mother, someones daughter, someones sister. I cant confess to knowing what makes some of them tick but when you strip away the crime, they are just like you and me.

I miss you, Gordon and your sisters. I miss dad lots and hope that Aunty Jean isnt poisoning him with her god-awful lasagne! Just make sure that she keeps her hands to herself as she has always had a bit of a thing for your father, the old slag.

I have had lots of time to think about what I did. Stealing that chrimbo club money wasnt such a big deal or so I thought but the law is the law and I cant go saying that it wasnt wrong when it was. I just wanted to tell you to have a good old think about your own life. Dont make the same mistakes like your old mom. Your still young Shampayne. I want your life to be different to mine. Dont piss it away.

I just wanted to tell you that your always gonna be my special little girl and I can hear you saying "Oh Mom!" already. Its allowed, thats what moms are for. I know your a adult now and your capable of taking care of yourself. I love you girl always remember that I am here for you even if I cant be with you right now. At least we have a grate chrismas to look forward to!


Mom x x x

PS Tell Aunty Jean that Officer Chapman thinks she is hot too. Not that I want a prison screw as a brother in law but knowing Aunty Jean she only wants to knob him not marry him.

PPS Make sure Gordon is changing his duvet every two weeks. It will be like a plank of wood by the time I get paroled otherwise.

PPPS Can you make sure that you nick some top shelf titles from the newsagent for your dad? It means he wont get tanked up and try to shag half the barstaff down the flagging lamb. Have a wank, thats what I say.

Love you loads! Mom

Aaaaw, I *heart* you too Mom! I really do.