Whats A Bird To Do?

Hi to the Sham possy. Hope you lot are doing just fine innit.

Do I sound like a black bird? Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep! No, not that sort of bird. I always wanted to be like Michelle Gale who was from Eastenders and then a 'blink and you will miss it' pop career. Still love that 'Looking Up' record. Black girls are dead cool.

Still, the truth is I am a fat white bird with more curves than a plate of spagetty bollocknese. I cant change who I am, even if Shelly keeps trying to get me to the gym. Exercise just isnt my thing ya know. I can shag for England, but a treadmill is just dull dull dull. Why is that?

It doesnt help when Woolies keep promoting Cadburys choccie bars at 4 for 99p. I mean, you cant just eat the one when the others are burning a hole in your hoodie pocket now can you? Today I had the shortcake biscuit, followed by the mint crisp, followed by the wafer and then the turkish delite. I feel dead stuffed, but will still be up for my Dominoes Pizza with Colin later.

Colin is really going in for his training right now. He did the gym yesterday, on a Sunday! I dont even get dressed on Sundays let alone do anything other than watch stuff like X Factor, Eastenders and Corrie on ITV2. Thank god for that freeview box that Jaymaster pinched for me. I never feel like watching Sky + in my jimjams as the rest of the family all fight over the remote control. I just stay in bed with my Pringles and my TV Quick and surf the channels. Am realy into men and motors right now, and I quite like the TV channel too. Fnar fnar.

Jay is finaly meeting his blind date on Wenesday. He has been having phonesex and texting dirty things back and forth with his mystery man who is just known as 'Dave'. It all sounds filthy to me but all credit to Jay for being a player and getting out there. Everyone needs a good seeing to, weather its up the front door or back door. Each to there own I say. Just make sure all the fit boys want to do me before they do each other. Sham first, gayers second.

Colin is seeing me on Tuesday and on Friday, he is busy all the rest of the week with his fitness lark. He is getting SO buff though, its worth it to go without seeing him for a couple of days. I get to catch up with Shelly and the gang and you get the best of both worlds with seeing bloke and mates. One things for sure, I aint getting board. I have never lasted this long with a fella before thinking "times up mate" and packing em off to the next girlfreind. Not with my Col. We are 2getha 4eva.

He was so romantic. He texted 'The Hits' music channel and did one of those 'Love-O-Meters' thingys where you text his name and my name and the telly tells you weather your gonna be shagging each other senseless or calling the hole thing off. Seems we had a 68% chance of making it. Horseshit, what do they know at 'The Hits'. Only one more passent and its oral sex innit. Losers. Well, Colin is the loser stricly speaking as it cost him £1.50 plus thee texts. Thats his top up blown already, the dickwad!

Dad is missing mom something rotten now he and Aunty Jean have stopped banging like a garage door in a high wind. She has moved onto Ralph and Richard, the two brothers who still live with there mom on Gladstone Street. There in there thirties and have never settled down with a bird, so Aunty Jean reckons theres cock actoin a plenty to be had. Shy boys can be so horny. Still, if it wasnt going into Aunty Jean it would just be on some towel under the bed, innit?

On another note I am now dead worried about catching this flu thing thats targeting women all over the world. Why is it that bird flu is being such a sexist pig and getting us girls ill? Equal virus rights I say. Oh well, that was the ping of the microwave - my pasty is ready. Gotta scoot!

Laters my lovelys x