Who Put The Sham In Shampayne?

Can I just say for the record that this Blogger websight is the biggest peace of fucking trash in the world EVER. I have just spent an hour updating it and the bastard goes and tells me 'blog not found' when I hit the publish button.

Well, fuck it. I cant be arsed to type all of that in again. What a cunt!

Name The Babysham!

Hi bitches, queens and muthafuckas. Its Shampayne in the house! Yes, after sinking into a bit of a derpression over this baby malarkey I have decided its time to pick myself up, dust myself down and be a grown up about it. Ive had a bit of a makeover to cheer myself up.

What do you think? Ive actualy lost a bit of weight in the last month which is dead wierd seeing as I am up the stick. Still us bigger girls tend to show a bit later than skinny beyotches. Result!

Emma and Nicci, do you think this look is working? I dont want to look all cheap but my Colin says he loves my folds of flesh and my curvs and says I should show myself off a bit more. I think I look well fuckable myself, but then again Mum said I was never one to hide my bush under a light, or whatever the saying is.

I decided that I would take Doms advice and shag Colin senseless without the condom. I timed it all right and got shut of Dad to Aunty Jeans for the night. I know there fucking each other but I know its all gonna come to a stop once Mom is released from prison. I would rather Dad shagged someone in the family than a total stranger, at least I know Aunty Jean washes her minge regularley. You should see some of the dirty cows that go with just anything down the local pub. Slappers, all of em. At least the McClusky family is a bit picky about which cock goes into a hole. Even if my brother Gordon is excluded from that statement. He is a walking sperm bank that boy.

So, Col came back from the fitness center and I got him a Bacardy Breezar from the fridge and popped one of Dads old porn VHS tapes on. It was a gang bang with two blonds in called Sugar Kane and Candy Kane, who were sisters hell bent on making it big in Holywood. The only thing they seemed to make big were all the cocks that went into EVERY horrorfice that those girls had, including ears and eyes. Dirty bitches! Still, it got Col dead horny and he had to have me there and then on the lounge carpet. He said 'we need pertection' and I told him it was alright as the painters and decoraters were in and there was no chance I was gonna get preggers. He bought it and duly knocked his mansoup up my chuff. Result!

Anyways, I waited until yesterday before braking the news to Colin that he is gonna be a daddy. He took it dead well and cried like a right poof! I have never seen Col get upset, he kept saying things like 'I cant beleive it!' and 'A baby, fucking hell, a baby', which just confirmed that he is dead made up after all. He said he had to go home and have some space to think, which probabley meant he was gonna go out and get me some suprise present or summat. Result! Here's my lovely gorgous fiansay Colin after I told him the good news. He looks so happy doesnt he?

























I have now been having a good old think about babys name and have shortlisted some of them with Jay and Shelly. Colin has been dead quiet this afternoon and hasnt contributed any ideas. Keeps texting one of his mates and just saying 'yeah, whatever' when the three of us have been coming up with ideas. Straight blokes are crap with all things babywise arent they? Emma knows what I am talking about, she had to name all three of her kids by herself. Mind you, the fathers hardly knew Emma let alone the kids. Thats how life goes.

Tomorrow I will publish the list of baby names, and you lot get to pick the name! How good am I to you. Got to get back to the dining table where Shelly and Jay are flicking through old copies of Hello and Okay for more ideas. What about Sapphire Diamonique Rochelle? That's classy.

Laters x

Shit

I havent blogged all week cuz I have been preocerpied by my life. My life has turned to shit.

Why? Cuz I am bloody well pregnant after all.

Worst thing is that Colin and I have been using condoms since the first week when I had a similer pregnancy scare. He was dead grown up about it and said we shouldnt risk our relatoinship by adding a baby into the eqautoin or summat like that. I thought it was senseble as I dont realy want kids yet and abortoins are just a pain in the arse. Well maybe more a pain in the foo foo, but you know what I mean.

It stands to reason that the baby was fathered that bastard scrote of a enema boss at work. I only lasted a day because the work was dull as fuck. These stupid bitches from the tills kept asking how much things were on the internal phone system just cuz they wouldnt scan. If I had a pound for every time I replied "Its a pound Leanne, everythings a pound!", I would of been a milionhare. So, the boss calls me in tells me at the end of day one that Leanne and Shaznay have complaned that I have "an atitude problem", so he says that I can only keep the job by giving him a blowie.

I decided that it was time to teach the git a lesson, so when he whopped his todger in my gob I gave it a good old bite and did a runner. Not before having taken £50 out of the till. Result!

I got a call on my moby at home later saying that I was gonna get prosecuted for theiving the till, so I said "your DNA is still inside my mouth, you press charges and your gonna get a rape charge mate". He backed right off. Double result!

Still, none of this changes the fact that I am having a baby by someone other than my lovely Col. I havent told him and have been thinking about what or how to bring it up. Shelly and Jay have been lovely telling me that we could always say it must of been a split johnny or summat. Not sure Col will buy it and I may end up being dumped. Shit.

What should I do? Should I tell Colin whats hapened and face being dropped like a hot potatoe?

Should I pertend that the baby is Colins and play happy familys?

Should I get shut of the baby and make out that none of this has even hapened?

Whats a girl to do? I know the trumpers are all on holiday, but all of my other tresured readers can surley give me some good well healed advice right now? Laters my loyle freinds.

Sham, by name and nature x

Up The Junction

Shel bought me the two preggers testing kits during The X Factor. She kept Colin and Dad chatting whilst I buggered off to the bog to find out if I am gonna have a baby or not.

One of the kits said yes, the other said no. Shit. Where is my knicker-lasagne when I need it? Bring on that blood tide, I aint ready for no brat. Especaily if its that bastard 'do everyone for a quid' pig dog man that made me suck and fuck for a crappy admin job. I feel so stupid now.

Col was strangley quiet all night. He didnt want to have sex and hasnt ended up staying. He said he was nackerd after teaching the newish lads their akeido moves, he is so proud of them and said one was cumming on realy well. He takes it realy serously though and I sometimes feel that I come second to marsial arts.

Still, I am probebly feeling all emotoinal cause of hormones or whatever. Shit, that means I realy am up the stick doesnt it?

What am I gonna do? I cant sit it out for more than a week or I am gonna start being sick. The last seven times I caught pregnant I was vomming within five days. At least I will know sooner rather than later.

Say a silent prayer for me. Emma, Nicci - just think back to all those times when you woke up shitfaced in a strangers flat in Cambridge. Wondering whether you were pregnant or in need of colonic irigatoin to get rid of the rugby teams 'deposits' that theyd left after getting you pished on absinth. You must know how I feel right now.

Sham needs her mates right now. If only I had some 'mates' when dirty dave did me. Fuckety doo dah, my life is like a BBC3 drama. Cheaper, but amusing in plaices.

Laters x

It Only Takes A Minit

So, I arived at 'Quids In' on Thursday night to have my proper interveiw for the office job. The shop was closed so it was just me and Dave the manager. He sat me down in his office and I felt a bit like Sharon Stone in Basic Instincs cuz Dave was slumped back on this comfy sofa while I was sat on this plastic chair a few metres away. I could sware he was looking up my skirt the dirty git.

I got asked about my prevois expereince so I started rattling on about my beauty coarse at collige and the part time work I did before I got sacked. Dave then told me he was'nt that botherd about my prevois work expereince and said "I just wanna know how expereinced you are" with a bloody big twinkle in his eyes. The dirty bastard.

So, it seems that the only way the Shampayne was gonna get this job was to give sexual favers. I dont know what it is with me and men. They always want my body. Not that I can blame them but this time I dont wanna cheat on my lovely Colin. I have never been faithful in my life before meeting Col and didnt want to start now. But needs must and I ended up on my knees giving Dave a big blowy. It was alright but he kept grabbing my poneytale and saying "cmon bitch, suck that dick", just like some cheap porno film.

He came all over my gold chain and started making crap jokes about giving me a perl necklace to match the bling bling. I said "I had better fucking have this job now you git" and he said "all the candedates have to do that, if you realy want it then its a case of going all the way". Bugger! There I was chowing down on his manmeat thinking that giving head isnt realy being unfaithful and that I wouldnt have to tell Colin. I didnt think for a minit I was gonna have to let him plow my ladygarden. I thought about it and then thought 'fuck it', if I am gonna get dobbed in to Col for screwing someone else, I may as well get a job out of it and one that earns you money rather than giving you jaw ache.

Dave insisted on doing me on all fores and kept grabbing my hare and saying "take that cock, cmon take that cock you bitch!". All I could think of were those awful porn films that mom and dad used to watch before they got a dvd player. At least I wasnt getting DVDA like the one poor actress did in "Madame Hussein And Her Weapons Of Mass Seduction". For all of you who dont know what DVDA is, its double anal double vaginel. Its not for the light *hearted* I tell ya.

Dave did me twice and then said "okay, the job is yours" as he wiped his knob on the curtains, "you can start on Monday and dont be late".

Well, I havent even started the job yet - but I am late. Yes, it seems that I am now possibly preggers and it could be Daves or Colins. I dont realy want a baby as I am too young but if I end up having a seventh abortoin it mite wreck my chances of having a kid when I am ready for it. Shit. Anyway, nothing is for certain just yet as I am waiting for Shelly to come back from town with my preggers testing kit. She said that Supadrug has a blind spot and her and Charlie are going on the rob. I told her to get me two kits just in case. I wanna be doubley sure.

I dont know, I just think that no matter how smart and manipulatev I am as a woman, theres always some bloke that ends up getting the upper hand with the Shampayne. I tell you summat, that Dave had better not think its gonna be a regular shag session. I can hardly come home from a hard day at the office with my knickers smelling like a ripe peace of brie or a salmon muller corner can I? Colin is gonna know summats up when he goes down on me and finds that I am oozing mansoup from my foo foo. Grose.

I will of coarse let you know all about it. I just wish I had never set eyes on that 'Quids In' shop. I certainly got more for my pound that I bargined for. A good pounding more like.

On a brighter note, the meal went realy well and dad loved the pie. We burnt the crispy pancakes though as I thought it said 32 minits in the oven and it was only 12. Bad result! Still, my sister looked dead cute in the waitress outfit, even if she does desprately need a good waxing down there. She will be able to plait that hare soon if she dont watch out!

Laters x