I *Heart* My Blog Pals!

Ever since half-joking that I was going to sell my baby on ebay, I have been getting all these concerned emails from legal types telling me its against the law etc etc. Yawn. Botherd.

I was kidding. Well, sort of. I dont see the point of going full term and wrecking my figer and making my fanny go all slack if theres no baby to show for it.

I am booked in for an abortoin on Tuesday. I porned my engagement ring to pay for it as theres no way I was going to ask dad for the cash. I just cant be arsed to be a single mum.

I have decided to go and quit Milton Kenes and go and live abroad. I am going off to back pack as soon as this baby has been ripped out of me.

I should be able to carry on blogging from wherever I end up. I am going to europe, cuz I have always wanted to go there. I also want to visit places like France and Germany cuz Shelly says the blokes are realy well hung.

I just wanted to thank you lot for suporting me through my crisis of late. Couldnt of coped without you.

I'll be posting on Tuesday night once I have had the sprog whipped out. Should also have some idea of where I am flying to first. Its all so exciting!

Decided to post a bit of a DIY photo montarge of the regular commenters. I love most of you, have even been engaged to one of you and once posted dog shit through one of your letterboxes. I know you love me though!

Be back next week, a little lighter and no longer a mummy-to-be. Cant wait!

Laters x x x

The Edge Of Heaven

You know something, you never realy know someone. Seems I have been another stupid blind idiotyc girl that has fallen for the wrong man. Fans of this blog will know that I am not the sort of girl to keep my private life erm private - in fact I am more likely to talk about my privates if anything. I have lovely labia even if I say so myself.

My ex-feyonce Colin and I have called our engagment off. Well, we never realy spoke about it, I just gave him one massive kick to the bollocks and poured a pint of Lambrini over his head before kicking him to the kerb.

Why? Because our relatoinship is more similar to the band Wham! than most people realise. Stage one - Colin shags me senseless and is a total spunk-monster in bed, proud to be seen out with me and sensative and kind and not like most blokes. Fact. This is a bit like George Micheal and Andrew Rigley with Pepsi and Shirly - two good time blokes with their birds.

Stage two - Then all of a sudden I find out that Colin hasnt been helping loads of young men find there fitness peak - he has been pimping them off to men in suits and old pervs from the local liesure center. Worse than that, Colin is a big old bummer and likes to take it up the arse himself. Gutted. A bit like George and Elton, pretending to be pals in that 'Dont Let Your Son Go Down On Me' video when they were possibley discussing witch members of the audience they would like to spitroast whilst singing the song. Its possible! Sorry George, I do like you, I do.

How did I find out?

Well, its a good job that my brother Gordon is a complete slag because he spotted that Colin was whoring himself on that well known mail order shag website GAYDAR. Gaydar is grate for the bummers, just select the cock you want and get it shipped over pronto. Except Colin never banked on the fact that Gordon spotted Cols profile on the website and reckoned that it looked a hell of a lot like him. He got his friend Craig to send Colin a private message and arranged a date. Turns out that Colin only went and tried to enlist Craig as an additoin to his rent list, a bunch of teenage boys that Colin hires out to dirty old scrotes and unhappily married men.

Gordon couldnt beleive it and then spent ages wondering how to brake the news to me. Half an hour later he knew he had to do the right thing by me and texted me that my boyf was a bummer. I was due to meet Col in Maccie Ds but told him to get drive thru and bring it back to the flat. As soon as I had those bags of food safely in my hands I then did my kick ass punch to his nads and told him to sod off.

I am now unsure if I can ever realy enjoy a Big Mac value meal ever again, cause it will remind me of that shitbag. The burger bun got drenched by my tears, I was crying so much.

Just in case you think that I am lying, here's the proof. Take a look at Colins Gaydar profile. It seems he has been giving his bulletwound up to the highest bidder for some time now. Gutted.

Click here

So, here I am alone, with a baby growing inside me from a father thats probaly going to be much better at picking out baby clothes and co-ordinating bibs and booties than I ever will. Gutted. Not sure I even want to keep this baby now. What on earth am I going to do?

Charlie has told me that I could always sell my unborn child on eBay and be a suffragette mother. The money is tempting for sure. What do you think I should do?

Laters x

The Truth Is 'Out'

So. The truth about Jay's new mystery man is revealed.

Its my dad.

Jay met him outside the multiplex at 8:00 last night as arranged, and it turns out that 'Dave, fit, 23' is actually my bloody father. Whilst Dad is a looker, I will give him that, he is not fit nor is he 23 and he shouldnt even be bloody well GAY either. Mom is gonna go apeshit when she finds out and she will.

I dont mind having bloody queer freinds and a poofy brother but my dad. Fuck. I just cant beleive it.

So - why have me and Colin split I here you ask. Well its simple. But I cant talk about it wihtout crying myself silly. I had better tell you more about the Jay/Dad episode.

After the bomb went off and Jay came round late last night to tell me the news about his blind date there was an almitey row between everyone. Only the dog wasnt directly involved but she managed to bark all the way through it all, noisy bitch.

Jay was calling dad a 'fucking closet' and then Charlie and Chanelle started leaping to Dads defence saying that it was cool to have a gay dad and that they wanted to live with him if there was a divorce. I then went apeshit at the twins for being so twattish. Charlie said that gays have much better taste with interoir decore and Dad wouldnt choose woodchip paper if Mom wasnt telling him what to do all the time. Fucking stupid bitches.

Those girls annoy me at the best of times but that comment realy took the biscit. I dont want Mom and Dad to split but I cant see her wanting to live with a bi or gay or whatever Dad thinks he is now. My head is spinning around.

So, Jay is alone yet again and Dad likes it up the chuff. I cant even begin to talk about my break up with Colin, its too upsetting. All I can say is that my family members have a lot to anser for and I will never forgive or forget.

Gutted (still)

Laters.

PS Thanks to Emma and Dom for the comfoting words. I aprecaite it.

My Life Is Over

Two words: lying cheating fucker.

I am gutted. Colin is a no good dirty porn-shag dickwad. Its over between us.

I am devestated.

Whats A Bird To Do?

Hi to the Sham possy. Hope you lot are doing just fine innit.

Do I sound like a black bird? Chirpy chirpy cheep cheep! No, not that sort of bird. I always wanted to be like Michelle Gale who was from Eastenders and then a 'blink and you will miss it' pop career. Still love that 'Looking Up' record. Black girls are dead cool.

Still, the truth is I am a fat white bird with more curves than a plate of spagetty bollocknese. I cant change who I am, even if Shelly keeps trying to get me to the gym. Exercise just isnt my thing ya know. I can shag for England, but a treadmill is just dull dull dull. Why is that?

It doesnt help when Woolies keep promoting Cadburys choccie bars at 4 for 99p. I mean, you cant just eat the one when the others are burning a hole in your hoodie pocket now can you? Today I had the shortcake biscuit, followed by the mint crisp, followed by the wafer and then the turkish delite. I feel dead stuffed, but will still be up for my Dominoes Pizza with Colin later.

Colin is really going in for his training right now. He did the gym yesterday, on a Sunday! I dont even get dressed on Sundays let alone do anything other than watch stuff like X Factor, Eastenders and Corrie on ITV2. Thank god for that freeview box that Jaymaster pinched for me. I never feel like watching Sky + in my jimjams as the rest of the family all fight over the remote control. I just stay in bed with my Pringles and my TV Quick and surf the channels. Am realy into men and motors right now, and I quite like the TV channel too. Fnar fnar.

Jay is finaly meeting his blind date on Wenesday. He has been having phonesex and texting dirty things back and forth with his mystery man who is just known as 'Dave'. It all sounds filthy to me but all credit to Jay for being a player and getting out there. Everyone needs a good seeing to, weather its up the front door or back door. Each to there own I say. Just make sure all the fit boys want to do me before they do each other. Sham first, gayers second.

Colin is seeing me on Tuesday and on Friday, he is busy all the rest of the week with his fitness lark. He is getting SO buff though, its worth it to go without seeing him for a couple of days. I get to catch up with Shelly and the gang and you get the best of both worlds with seeing bloke and mates. One things for sure, I aint getting board. I have never lasted this long with a fella before thinking "times up mate" and packing em off to the next girlfreind. Not with my Col. We are 2getha 4eva.

He was so romantic. He texted 'The Hits' music channel and did one of those 'Love-O-Meters' thingys where you text his name and my name and the telly tells you weather your gonna be shagging each other senseless or calling the hole thing off. Seems we had a 68% chance of making it. Horseshit, what do they know at 'The Hits'. Only one more passent and its oral sex innit. Losers. Well, Colin is the loser stricly speaking as it cost him £1.50 plus thee texts. Thats his top up blown already, the dickwad!

Dad is missing mom something rotten now he and Aunty Jean have stopped banging like a garage door in a high wind. She has moved onto Ralph and Richard, the two brothers who still live with there mom on Gladstone Street. There in there thirties and have never settled down with a bird, so Aunty Jean reckons theres cock actoin a plenty to be had. Shy boys can be so horny. Still, if it wasnt going into Aunty Jean it would just be on some towel under the bed, innit?

On another note I am now dead worried about catching this flu thing thats targeting women all over the world. Why is it that bird flu is being such a sexist pig and getting us girls ill? Equal virus rights I say. Oh well, that was the ping of the microwave - my pasty is ready. Gotta scoot!

Laters my lovelys x

Hope For Us All

I just read this article in the local paper about a girl who was trying to lose her pot belly by going to the gym and dieting, but nothing was working at all.

Turns out after visiting her quack that the only thing he could suggest was that she was up the duff. Typical fucking NHS response. Duh!

After telling her doc that it was impossible that she was preggers (probably becuase she was either a total lezzer or a miss goody too shoes virgin), the doc then did an ultra sound scan and only went a found a fucking cyst that streched from her pelvis to her rib cage.

After operating on her to remove the cyst, her weight dropped 9st 2lbs to just under 8st.

Speaking to Reveal magazine, she said: "The surgeon said he had never seen a cyst so big in someone my age."

This realy filled me with joy. Not becuase some random girl is going to have a scar across her belly. I am not a total bitch. No - it was becuase it could explain why my belly is bigger than average.

Rather than go on some waiting list, I can wait until Precious Pashmina is born and get the doctors to remove my cyst at the same time. I am deffo having a cesarian, as Mom says your fanny is as slack as anything after having kids. She said that dad can no longer get her off during a shag and she has to finish herself off with her fingers. I cant say that is a nice prospect to be honest.

I might ask the surgeon to cut off the excess slack while he is at it. If its good enough for all these celebs then its good enough for the Shampayne.

Laters x

Make It Larger For 30p

Yo muthas and hoes. Hows it hanging?

Its the Shampayne here, and I just wanna say that I *heart* you all big time.

Dom - you are oficailly forgiven. I was just being a bitch and felt like taking it out on someone, you were the someone I am afraid. Its just this fucking pregnancy, its doing my head in.

Had a pretty quiet week. Me and Col are okay, we are shagging like bunnies again after a dry spell. Col said his work at the fitness centre was making him too knackered to do me. I love his dedacatoin to that job. All those boys should know just how much time and effort is being invested into their fitness and futures. I wish somone had taken me under their wing at the age of fifteen and got me into a gym. Maybe I wouldnt be the fat fuck that you see today.

Wednesday all of us went out to the cinema. We went to see Serenety witch is written by the bloke who did Buffy and Angel. I couldnt understand a fucking word of it but Gordon and Colin loved it. Jay never showed up and rang me half an hour in to say that his rash had got worse. Seems that he picked up this nasty dermatitis thingummy at the gay sauna and was having to wear mittens in bed cuz he was scratching it like fuck. I worry about him, and Gordon and all the other bummers. Straight people never have to worry about shit like that do they. Mind you, my foo foo was dead itchy after Colin went down on me yesterday morning. Probably to do with him not shaving since Thursday. Hey ho.

Yesterday me and Col went to Maccie Ds for lunch and I had a row with the girl behind the counter for flirting with my man. All I heard was her looking at Colins packet and saying 'would you like me to make it bigger for 30p'.

Well, I ended up calling her a slag and saying that if she wanted to be a hoe she shouldnt be working for McDonalds. The manager came over and told me that Shania, the skanky fat bitch in questoin, was only asking Colin if he wanted the extra value meal and that there was some misunderstanding. Too fucking right there was. These girls can all fuck off and get there own boyfreinds. Hands off you bunch of whores.

Col was a bit narked with me and said that even if people flirt with him, he only has eyes for me. Aaaaaw, felt a bit like a twat and said sorry, witch is a big deal for the Shampayne. I am never wrong normaly you see.

Ended up patching things up in the park on the way home, as Col sugested that we had a bit of outdoor fun. Did me behind a bush and when he came he shouted 'goal!'. Boys are funny.

Next week, me and Shelly are off to London for two days. Shelly has won a makeover with 'Sugar' magazine and can take a freind with her. I aint letting some fag put shitloads of blusher on me to make me look like a fat versoin of Girls Allowed. I am going cuz its free and cuz Shelly is so excited. Sometimes I think I must be a bit of a dyke cuz I just dont get a thrill out of dressing up. Still, I enjoy cock too much to be a proper lezzer.

Laters x

Ode To A Diva

For all of you who dont know, my good freind Emma recently turned 21. Yes, our special princess has come of age!

Now, I dont know about you, but this first picture is a bit of an homage to the queen of binge drinking. Yes, me! The style of the picture is all a bit like my main blog pic. Except that in my picture, my knickers werent half way down my thighs!

Unless Emma can tell me otherwise, it looks very much like her pants are on there way down to the floor. Gravity can be so unkind when your three sheets to the wind!

Well, its officail tribute time. What can we say about Emma? Beautiful, charming AND inteligent. She is an undergraduat (hope I spelt that right) and is going to be a archaoligist when she finishes unaversity in Cambridge. That sounds like big money and dirty hands from where I am sitting.

Each to there own I say. Not everyone wants to work in a haredressers salon Josie, other girls have ambition! Word up Emma, I am dead proud that you dont just want to shag your way into a being the bride of a rich and sucesful businessman. You want to be an inderpendent woman like Beyonce Knowitall. Result.

Anyway, heres a few pics from Emmas recent 21st party. She is a girl after my own *heart* and certainly knows how to party. Just as long as she didnt do a 'Kinga' when that bottle of shampers was finished with ;-)


Emma and Nicci getting shitfaced in some seedy venue.

I am so proud of these girls, they have clearly embraced the Shampaynes Plaice phelosophy that being a demure lady isnt as much fun as being a loud drunk. 8/10!


This is straight out of the Shampaynes school of getting a freind who is being all quiet and shy to become a party animal. Step one, tell them to lighten up, step two open bottle of shampers, step three pour into freinds mouth, step four wait ten minutes.

Step Five:

Teach freind
how to dance
dirty with a
total stranger.

Result!




How proud am I? I am like the younger sister but so much more like a mentor and encourager of bad behavoir. These girls are now total lionesses rather than the social butterflys of before. You can pay for a Cambridge educatoin but judging by these pics, these girls are not going to be sipping tea from bone china cups and balancing books on there heads. Bring it on.

Oh, and for the first time ever - welcome to Shampaynes Hall Of Shame.

Congratulatoins Dom, for forgetting Emma's birthday not sending Emma a birthday card and joining in her 21st celebrations and for not noticing that you had been given a big up on Shampaynes Plaice. You are in the naughty corner until you say 'sorry'.


Update: Actualy, I feel a bit of a bitch in saying this about Dom. He is alright realy, I was just full of whoremoans with this baby girl growing inside my belly.

Its grate being a girl. You can be a right snidey cow and just blame it on periods and childberth.

Soz Dom, Emma clearly still loves ya. I kinda love you too. And Gordon wants to do you up the bum.

How Common

Chanelle has passed her driving test and has bought herself a car. She paid £250 for it and got Diamond Dave from AutoExpress to tart it up with some nifty transfers.

What do you reckon? Personaly I think it looks dead common. Ever fucker is waring Burbery right now and quiet frankley I am sick of it.

This is why Shampayne has burnt her bra. Not in some femanist way but because I dont want to ware what everyone else is waring.

Colin had a big chat with me about my personal style and said that there was nothing derstingashing me from other girls. He said that I should find my own way, try and acesorise and make my outfits more unicque. He is such a love. How many other boyfreinds would have so much advice for their girls? Shelly says I am dead lucky. I know it too.

God, got absolutley hammered on Friday night. There was a special promotion on at 'The Pink Pony' and me and the gang decided to go down and check it out. I havent had much of a night out since getting up the stick and thought that one night wouldnt hurt much. Well, it was triples for the price of singles and I was getting them bought for me left right and center. Result! Got so shitfaced that I fell over on the dancefloor and ended up ripping this queens blouse as I lunged for something to hold onto when going arse over tit.

Turns out this was no ordinary blouse but a Versarchy. The mincer started giving me evils and saying 'do you know who I am', 'do you know how much this cost'. When I replied and said, 'yes, your Mary, I know who you are darling and no I dont know how much it cost but it probably meant you had to do two wanks and a blowie with some bank manager, if Carl behind the bar is to be beleived.'

There was then this almighty fucking row between said poof and the barman. 'How dare you tell them I am rent' blah blah blah, she was saying. Yada yada yada, talk about making a mountain out of a molehell. Left them to it and danced to 'Reach' by S Club 7 and then realy wanted to do the 'rowing boat' floor routine, but the bastard DJ wouldnt play the rowing boat song. Ended up doing it to 'Chain Reaction' by Diana Ross. DJ kept dissing me and the gang by calling us chavs.

I ended up finishing the night by pouring my last Smirnoff triple over his turntable. That put paid to his holyer than thow atitude and general hoity toity behavoir. Fucking queens with atitude, cant bare them.

Still, with my lovely freind Jay I know that not all homos are evil. Jay is still NOT TELLING ME about his new phonesex pal and hot text date. He says he still hasnt met this fella, but its gonna happen soon. God, I could never fingerfuck myself with some total stranger over the telephone - seems that these gays are happy to talk dirty to just anyone.

Not me sweety, my lips are sealed!

Laters x

PS Emma, give my love to all the trumpers. Keep up the swotting, it will all pay off. Wheres Nicci and Dom these days? I miss there comments, espesh as Dom was plastered all over my plaice recently. Doesnt he love me no more?

PPS Kleverkloggs, get knitting. I want those bootees!

Once I Had A Secret Love

Sorry about last weekend. I was so bloody mad that after spending an hour writing my blog that blogger just went tits up on me. I simpatheyes with Barnzey, a recent new fan of the websight, who also lost his work. Its not as if I have fucking aeons of time to write my shit neither. Well, bollocks to it, I aint gonna harp on about it no longer.

Well, where do I start? Jay is all loved up right now as he has been swapping texts and emails with a new love interest. Jay is such a secretive bugger though as he wont tell me anything about it, name, where he lives, job etc. Mind you, Jay had kept being a bummer quiet for ages before me and Shelly busted him so being all cloke and dagger is a familair game for the old slag.

I am definately having a girl, its confirmed. Thank fuck for that, seeing as though everyone thinks the baby should be called 'Precious Pashmina'. I realy like the name but Colin isnt so keen. He says it sounds like a members of Destiny Childs, the pop group. I realy like Beyonce though, and who cares if we blur the boundarys a bit with traditoinal names and all that stuff. I want my baby to be specail, just like her mum.

I have quit my health and beaty coarse at collige, as Mrs McConville said there was not point in doing part of a year with the baby due and all that. I cant be arsed to join a year later with all new students and all that malarkey, so I am gonna go on the dole for a bit. Its only like maternity leave but the govement start paying it a lot sooner. Result!

Mom is gonna get released in time for Chrimbo, thank fuck. Dad and Aunty Jean have packed in the shagging each other game, as Aunty Jean usualy gets bored after the fourth time. She just wants new cock all the time. A bit like my brother Gordon. He has been seeing a member of that failed boyband Phixe who lost out in Popstars The Rivels. He met him at a club in London a couple of weeks ago and got off with him in the toilets. Such a romantic. I told him that he should keep doing him long enough to get me an invite to a record company. Once this baby is born I could become another Kylie or Rachael Stephens, innit!

Colin is spending loads of time building his career and reputatoin with the martail arts training. Those boys at the club are dead lucky to have someone so dedicated looking after them. Trouble is Colin comes home so tired that he doesnt want to do me as much these days. I know its not cuz I am fat or preggers, I mean I am looking well horney at the minute. Cant say its such a big deal, seeing as though I have that huge dildo to keep me entertaind. Thank christ for Ann Summers, the patron saint of masterbation.

I am going to Nottingham with Shelly on Wendesay for a look around the shops and then its a check up on the baby at hospital with Colin on Friday.

Got confirmatoin that my comunity service is completed. They said the risk assesment was too high to make me do phisical work now I am with child. Hoo fucking ray I say. Result. After that shit with the old fokes home and the allergatoins of theft I think I have paid back to the comunity alright - in sweat. But no blood or tears, cuz I dont do that squish squish runny eyes thing. The Shampayne is hard you know.

Anyways, I have been promising to big up the lovely Dom for ages now by posting his lovely trannie phase on Shampaynes Plaice. Sorry to all you trumpers for the lack of posting and comments etc. I still love you big time.

Enjoy. He only did this for a little while, as he attracted the wrong sort of man. Bless.