Hooray hooray its a holi-holiday

Just had a few mins set aside to write another entry before setting of for Halkerdicky. I have all of my lira in my bumbag - had a right faff getting the currancy as Jake from the Subway sarnies shop has'nt had to fake them kind of banknotes before and did'nt think he was gonna be able to do a proper job. But he has- the fucking beaut! I gave him a wank as a quick thank you and said I would go all the way with him once my foo foo has healed proparly.

People have been asking me for another picture of my brother Gordon. Well, here is one of me and him when we were little kids. I think its kind of cute. Mom sais that me and Gordon had been having a big row just before this picture was taken. He had gone down the slide at the park and done a piss in his pants. I then went down on my front and got stuck halfway down. Anyways that was all a long time ago and its water under the bridge (or down the slide).



Still its becoming more and more obvoius as I look back at childhood pictures of Gordon that he was SO obvouisly a bummer. I mean, just look at that pose. Talk about prissy (or should I say pissy). Would'nt change him for the world mind you. What other brother would give you advice on how to apply blusher without looking like Aunty Sally from Worzal Gumage? We arent able to share clothes just yet cuz I am a little more big boned - but I am working on it.

When I get back from holiday I am gonna start on the Slimfast diet so I can become a top modal. I know I can do it. I mean, with that beauty thererpy coarse I am doing I am halfway there.

Anyways I have got a holiday to go on! Cant fanny around and talk to you lot forever.

Lots of love to Emma, Jaymaster, Jon Cook, Andrea and all my regular readers. I *heart* you all big time and thank you from the bottom of my ladygarden for all your kind words and advice.

Laters x

You Can Do It Put Your Back Into It

A big bloody hello to you pimps, pushers and prossies.

I *heart* you all for your kind words left on the comments board, exept you Trudie - you can go and play with the traffic on the M1 for all I care.

Shampayne does'nt *heart* Trudie

Have been giving all of the advise some seroius considaration and have decided that its not all totaly shit where my sex life is concerned.

I CAN STILL DO BLOW JOBS!

Why I did'nt use my head before I dont know, if you pardon the expresoin.

Forgot to tell yous all that I am going on my holidays next week. We are off to Halkadicky which is realy realy exciting, cuz I have never been to Italy before. I here the men are well fit too. Mom said that she does'nt want me to get derpressed at the lack of sex so has given me the money from the Chrismas club that she runs at the Flagging Lamb. She sais she will pay it all back once her compensation comes through from The Accident Group.

I dont know if theres such a thing as the internet over in Halkadicky what with them being foreiners and all that. But if I find a internet cafe I will let you know whats going on in my crazy crazy world.

Have been practising my oral sex tecnique with my brother Gordon. He has become my bestest gay freind since Jay has no time for his mates any longer *subtle hint*. Gordon told me he learnt how to give head without puking up by pushing his toothbrush into his mouth a little further each day until he no longer got the gagging sensatoin. Brilliant! I should be able to do some realy hung totty without chucking my lunch up over there nads (its hapened before now beleive you me)

Tried it earlier in the bogs at collige and only bought up a bit of my chips. Getting better at it each day.

See, I am so versitile at this sex thing - and I am not gonna get preggers either. Last time I went on holiday to Spain I could'nt work out what the Spanish word for 'chemist' was, so could'nt get the morning after pill. Ended up doing a DIY job at home with a hot bath and a turkey baster full of fairy liquid and bleach. Job done.

Laters x

PS My engagement to Lubin is now OFF. Not herd anything for ages. Jon 'WS!' Cook says he is gayer than a box of frogs, so I should of seen the sines realy. Whateva, to coin a well known frase.

Burn Baby Burn

Sorry for the lack of posting this week. I have been in hospital - I know, what has Shampayne gone and done now. Let me fill you in, so to speak:

Having taken Emmas advice to stop getting shagged whilst my ladygarden is temperaraly in winter mode, I have been using the new rabit vibrator that I 'bought' from Ann Summers.

Selena Cropston - who is also at collige with me - ofered to cause a scene by faking an epaleptic fit in the shop and it worked. During the diversoin I grabbed the big dildo and legged it. I am not paying there prices and anyway I read that the sex industry is realy profitabal - so they can aford to lose a couple of bits of merchandyse. So thanks Selena, I owe you one. Just tell me what you want and Kerry from The Flagging Lamb can get her feller to get it you.

Anyway I digress! Now you know how I got my new bit of DIY kit, now you need to know what hapened when I was using it.

Spent last weekend watching old pop videos from the 80s and began flicking myself off with the rabbit. I was pretending that a member of Durran Durran was giving it to me. Came so hard it was like a rerun of The Poseidon Adventure. Mom would kill me if she knew what those stains were. Luckily we dont have a posh sofa from DFS like Trudies mom or those pastel shades would be ruined to buggery.

I found this bit where my fave band member was in his pants (they were always in Monsarat in linin suits or swimming trunks werent they?) and hit the pause button and was realy giving the rabbit a right good shunting when the bastard device snapped inside me, causing third degree burns as a result of all that battery acid inside my foo foo.

Fuck! I was bad enough before this latest episode and now it looks like I mite have to resort to only doing bum sex until I heal over. I may as well be a big gay boy like Jay for all the pounding my ringpeace is gonna get.

Why does all this stuff only happen to me? I am begining to feel jinxed or summat.

Am wondering if I should sue for greveous bodily whatsit. Are there any loyers out there who can advice me?

Realy need cheering up big time. Emma, Dom, Andrea, Jonathan, Jaymastar - where are you, give the Shampayne some tendar loving comments. Or simply send me some cash via my PayPal account.

Shampayne@aol.com

I *heart* you all.

Laters!

x

The Day The Arse Fell Out Of My World

Today I had to throw a sickie, so please dont tell Mrs McConville okay?

Yesterday afternoon I was straitening Carmellas hair in the salon at collige when I kept getting these twinges in my ladygarden. At first I just thought it was the come down, if you catch my drift but no. Twenty minutes later and its like someone has set off a garden sprinkler in my knickers. Whats a girl to do?

I rushed to the bogs with Laqueta (she's this realy cool black girl that comes to collige with a diferent hair weave every day, how friging ace is she). Laqueta was a star and helped me push 'the curtains' back whilst I had a good look up there with a hand mirror.

All I can say is that it looked like Hannibal Lecter had performed oral sex on me. I am mincemeat up there!

Decided that I had to book an appointment at the GU clinic today, so bunked off collige and picked up a copy of Heat. My appointment was at 12:15 but I got there early because theres nothing I love better than seeing people I know scratching there bits and bobs and looking all sheepish etc whist waiting to see the knob-nit-nurse.

I saw Gemma Rook, the one with the bad acne and no tits from high school. She was always getting picked on. I think they called her 'pizza face' or summat like that. Kids can be so crual.

Also saw Keren Rockwell who must be pitching a tent in the reception these days she attends so often.

Theres this right stupid system at the clap clinic right. You walk in and pull a ticket out this machine like your waiting to be served at the deli counter at Morisons. You wait for your number to appear on this big sign and then have to walk over to one of the booths. Theres usualy some stuck up bitch who looks at you like your the devil and asks you to confirm your name address and date of birth. I have been signing in as Trudie ever since I joined, they dont check any of it so who gives a shit.

Today I was asisted by 'Janice' who was this right old bag with a Dierdre Barlow perm and a jumper that would'nt look out of place in Cripples dog basket. She asked me if I had been here before and I said "all the time, I am a slag after all", which made her roll her eyes and tut realy loudly. I pointed over to this sine that said "OUR EMPLOYEES WILL NOT PRE-JUDGE OR DISCRIMINATE AGAINST COLOUR, CREED OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION", and said 'eat me bitch or I report you to your boss'

Funily enough, I manage to jump the queue and get seen strate away. I saw a realy nice nurse called Helen who asked me the usual questions, 'when did you last have sex', 'how many partners have you had in the last six months', which always gets them as I start counting on my fingers and then move to my toes and then back to my fingers before saying 'Oh, I just cant remember Nurse!'

Well, the nurse did all the usual tests, made me piss in a pot, take a swab in the gob and generaly had fingers up everywhere before having to go and wait in the receptoin area. Got called in an hour later and was told that it was'nt looking good. Seems I have picked up a whole host of diseases since the barbecew night and am going to have to go onto antibyotics and stop shagging for A MONTH until I am all clear.

Well, the arse just fell out of my world at that point. I mean, what else is there to do when Big Brother and Eastenders arent on telly?

Still, thank christ I took Emmas advice and bought one of those rabbits from Ann Summers. At least a dildo cant give me an STI. Or can it?

I now have to phone all the people I have slept with and tell them to get tested. Someone just pass me the phone book and I'll stick pins in it at random. Chances are I have had them.

I need cheering up as a result. Maybe my readers could suggest things to keep me ocupied whilst my ladygarden is unocupied! Send me a postcard drop me a line stating points of view.

PS Josie, if you even think about posting a comment...

Its A Family Affair

I figured that Ive been giving away far too much personal infermation of late, so thought it was about time that I toned things down a bit.

JUST KIDDING!

If you want culture then you should visit websights like Trash Addict or Home Taping, but for the rest of us normal people you just want endless stories about gang bangs and the overiding feeling that your life may be bad - but it aint as bad as Shampaynes. Am I right? My Mom sais that people watch derpressing things like Eastenders because it cheers them up about there own circemstances. I cant say Ive thought that much about my own life, it just has a habit of hapening. If the day comes when I need to see a theripist, Ill let you know - until then just keep on loving me for the shameless harlot that I am!

Some of you lovely readers have been asking me to shed a bit of lite on my family. So here goes.

Mom. Or Mrs McClusky as she calls herself. Tecnicaly Mom and Dad have never got married, although Mom has asked him loads of times. Mom took on Dads name after dating him for six months. She was expecting my older brother Gordon at the time. I think Gordon is quiet a dull name but Dad says its all simbolyc, something to do with what Mom was drinking when he was concieved. Anyways, Moms maidan name was DYKES so I cant say I blame her for changing it.

This pic was taken at the end of a night out. Mom was a little worse for ware and would kill me if she knew this was on the websight. Ssssh! Keep it to yourselves (and that means you Josie)



This is my Dad. Charles McClusky, but everyone calls him Boner. Dont know why. He works as a genetic engenere....just kidding! He drives buses. He loves his job.



This is my Aunty Jean, she is Moms youngest sister and they get on like a house on fire. Aunty Jean works at the Flagging Lamb as a bar maid and also does Avon and Bettaware during the daytime. Aunty Jean has never got married but has had plenty of pertential husbands, if you catch my drift. i.e she is a right goer.



These are my younger twin sisters, Chanelle and Charlie. Mom named them after her favourite perfume and drug respectively. Just kidding! There both named after perfumes. There not identicle as you can see, but there both just as annoying and are both slags. Just joking, love you realy!



This is my older brother Gordon. He likes working out at the gym and is a graphic desiner. He is the braney one of the family. He has'nt got a girlfreind yet but enjoys going out dancing with his mates and is always going away for weekends. July he is off to London and at bank holiday he is going to Manchester. I think he is the good looking one in the family. Male that is. Clearly I am the babe of the family!



This is Dads sister Margaret Rose. Maggie is living with us since she came out of rehab. Maggie used to be an exotic dancer when she was younger and also used to run wife swapping parties until she got put in prison for pimping my cousins Erica and Shamequa. She is the black sheep of the family but she aint a bad old bird. At least she can hold onto her own piss unlike Josie.



This isnt a family member, its Josie getting arested for dealing crack in the town center in 2003. If Josie does'nt stop posting stupid comments on my websight I am gonna post the picture of her getting spit roasted at Linda Morgans 18th party.



Josie - eat me you bitch.

So, here are the McCluskys lovingly presented to my readership. Maybe some of you know them, and at least one of you will have shagged Aunty Jean. As that recent film said 'Meet The Fuckers'. Or summat like that anyway.

Laters x

Carpet Burns Ahoy!

Oh. My. God.

Its true, Tony has got nothing to be shy about in the showers. He did me at five past seven tonight - only because I did'nt want to miss Big Brother - or I would have let him stay the nite.

Tony wanted me to dress up for him, so brougt over this realy wierd costume that was all white from the head to the toes and some daft mask that looks like a witches hat (but looked more like the clothes in that mad video by the pet shop boys when they did that 'Can You Forgive Her' song, which reminds me - is Niel Tenents dead yet? Fuck knows. Still you never see them on TMF these days do you?)

Anyway Tony took a picture of me on his mobile so I could have it as the walpaper on my phone. What do you reckon? Still not sure why I had to hold that gun - it makes me look like a cross between the baby jesus and a tellytubby.



Anyways, Tony did me a couple of times. Once up against the fridge and then on the utilety room floor. The second time was so forceful that we moved out of the utilety room to the kitchen without walking. Ive got carpet burns on my nipples and have been rubbing sudocrem into them for the last hour (thanks Dom for the advise)

Tony says he does'nt think we should do it again as his girlfreind would'nt like it if we became regular shag buddies. Anyway, I think I am much better of with my vibrator. At least my vibe does'nt fart mid-shag! I think I will give Tony an 8 out of 10. He lost points for making me drop my chips cuz I came so quick. I thought I would have chance to eat all of my tea first before my twinkle started tingling.

Ive decided that I am gonna try and turn Jay straight. He says he is never gonna 'do fish' but I reckon that with enough Barcardi Breezers down his gob and his favourite Barbra Strisand album in the background, I might just get my leg over!

Laters x

Tony The Pony

I was dead made up when Tony got in touch last night and asked if I fancied getting together at the weekend.

He said that it's only sex and it will mean nothing and that he loves his girlfriend and that I am not that pretty, but I figured that he lost all respect for me on Bank Holiday Monday knowing that I'd become a walking sperm-bank at Caras barbecew. So, I may as well shag him anyway and at least this time I might be awake and get to enjoy it.

Not heard anything from Lubin in ages. I think he might have found himself another girlfreind. Still, plenty more fish in the sea as the saying goes.

I just wish that there were a few more fellers that wanted me for something else other than my amazing deep throat tactics, a foofoo tighter than a new born baby's and an equal appreciation of front door and back door action. I guess its a bit much to expect them to love me for my mind as well.

Jay reckons I should go speed dating or put an advert in Bella in the lonley harts colum, but I reckon thats for losers. I just wish that something like Gaydar existed for us straight people too. I mean, if you could see a photo of someones wanger before you spent a dull night listening to them in the pub witering on about the payroll that they manage or seismic activity in Peru then you mite not waste so much time.

Mom sais I want the moon on a stick. I just tell her I want a bloke that goes like a train all night then turns into a Big Mac and supersize fries afterwards.

Laters x

Soggy Biscuit

It gets even worse!

Seems that on route from Caras barbecew, when Shell had rescued me from being shagged by half of Milton Kenes, I got out of the car at some traffic lites and ran off leaving Shell and Jay frantic with worry.

Thanks to that bloody horrid home made punch that Caras dad made, I somehow thought that the local park was in fact a strip club and I was the main act. Seems that I took my kit off and started doing some stupid sexy dance for all these blokes playing football. Wayne Parker phoned Jay to say that after passing out on the kiddies roundabout, all of the footie players flipped me over and took me from behind. When each had finished they just spun the wheel to the next one until they had all done me. God the shame of it. Its a miracle that I am not having to push my fanny back up with a stick with all that pounding its had lately.

If that was'nt the icing on the cake, it turns out that the local rubgy team decided to have a mass 'soggy biscuit' game whilst I was butt naked on the roundabout, except that I was the biscuit. If you dont know about soggy biscuit then just look it up on the net, I aint explaining.

No wonder I felt so clammy when I came to on the Tuesday morning. Grose.

The worst thing about all of this is that Trudies dad plays in that rugby team and I will just have to kill myself if Ive been shagged by that bastard. I mean, its not the first time that someones been screwed over by the conservatives, but the thought of him going at my foofoo like the duracell bunny just leaves me cold.

Thank god that morning after pill has got rid of the potential babies. I am beginning to feel just like that Annabel Chong. Still, look at it like this, at least Trudie can stop denying all those rumors that her dad was caught cotaging in February. Even if he was gay, the site of me staked out and opened up like a delicate flower was enough to turn him from lily livered to red blooded. Just goes to show that theres hope for Jay yet.

Bye bye baby

Hi readers

How you doing? Sorry for making you wait for the conclusoin to the 'naked in the park' insident. Shell ended up telling me, after Id beaten the information out of her, what all the malarky about bank holiday Monday was all about.

TUrns out that we left the pub, or should i say got kicked out after i was sick on there new flatscreen telly that theyve instaled for showing sky sports. The manager sais i have to pay for it but fuck that. Ill just go to the other bars instead.

Anyways, we all ended up at Cara's house as she was having a barbecew in the garden. Seems i was the life and sole of the party, literaly. I drank Caras dads home made punch and got realy out of my tree on it. Because I had eaten this burger that had only just been put on the barby it seems I had gobbled down some raw beef. Went upstares and ended up having to wait for the bloody toilet so just yakked up out of Caras bedroom window and then passed out.

Shell came up to see where i was two hours later and found a cue of men waiting to shag me. Turns out that at least 13 people had already done me up the front and back door whilst i was hanging out the window. Bastards the lot of them. Shell rescud me and took me home. She is such a good freind.

Well Tuesday was'nt much fun as for the first hour it was like some floodgate had opened and all this gunk was pouring down my thighs. Seems Im a bad advert for safe sex now too. Shit! Anyways i decided to get myself to the chemist and get the morning after pill. My mom takes them all the time as she sais the pill makes you fat and my dad cant keep a stiffy with a jonny on his todger. So after chucking up for england I am pleased to say there aint gonna be any mini-shampers running around.

Shell said it was for the best as if I was preggers then the baby could of been black, white, yellow or may have even barked. All men are bastards. The most annoying part is that i missed out on all that sex and dont remember any of it. I here that Tony Mackenzie has a massive cock and I DONT REMEMBER ANY OF IT. I may ask him if he wants a second pop at it next weekend.

Today Im spending the day in the house. Turns out i got crabs and have to lie on the bed with this derback stuff all over my minge and arms and hare and EVERY FUCKING ORRORFICE. Ive put some Muller corner up my ladygarden to stop the itching but was'nt sure if i should of used the fruity bit too.

I dont realy care about the shame of being shagged by half the naybourhood. You no me readers, theres no shame about the shampayne. Still, its good to share it with you all - your me mates innit!

Laters x

Trumpington Street

Yo beyotches!

Shampayne 'Big Mac' McClusky here. Ive missed y'all so much. The compewters still busted because of Cripples 'biologycal acident' - i.e pissing all over the modem. Mom says we cant aford to replace it just yet because she has'nt had her money through from The Accident Group yet, for tripping over a McFlurry. Seems that when some brat dropped it on the floor at McDonalds my mom never saw it and went arse over tit on the floor. She broke some nails and messed her hare up big time. Still she won £1500 which works out at £350 after The Accident Group have taken there share of the winnings.

Personaly i think there money grabbing bastards for copping more dosh than mom does. Still Ive told mom it beats selling cheap marouaner at The Flagging Lamb. Thats the pub that mom works at three nigths a week. Its a bit rough but the karioki is good fun. I do a mean rendition of The Shoop Shoop Song by Cher.

Ive been reading this blog over at http://trumpingtonstreet.blogspot.com/ which is full of dead braney students, just like me. Except there all at Oxford or somewhere posh. Anyways, theyve all been sticking up for Shampayne on there websight after some dick called Mike Skinner called me a skank or summat. Like I said before, you can diss the Shampayne all you want, I aint botherd. B-O-T-H-E-R-D? Moi?

Got absolutly hammered on Bank Hol Monday. Went out with Jay and Shell and decided that we would drink localy rather than spend our money on taxis and shit. I dont remember much after the third vodka slammer. In fact when I finaly came around I was in some kids playground staked out on this roundabout thing and was down to my bra and pants. Fuck knows where my clothes have got to. Ended up having to get on the bus in my undies which was making everyone laugh big time. Still, Shampayne does'nt give a flying shag. EVeryones seen my tits more or less, so I aint gonna stress about been seen in my bra am I?

When I got home it turns out my arse was bleeding so I had to keep some bog roll in my knickers until it stopped. I thought I had ended up having that really strong vindaloo at Korma Chameleon which always tears a hole in my arse the next morning - but no! Shel says that something DID happen on Bank Holiday night, but she cant bring herself to tell me.

So - who knows what the big secret is. Im gonna have to weedle it out of her by sitting on her face and farting all night. She wont want that - especially as I had a curry pot noodle for lunch!

Laters x