The Day The Arse Fell Out Of My World

Today I had to throw a sickie, so please dont tell Mrs McConville okay?

Yesterday afternoon I was straitening Carmellas hair in the salon at collige when I kept getting these twinges in my ladygarden. At first I just thought it was the come down, if you catch my drift but no. Twenty minutes later and its like someone has set off a garden sprinkler in my knickers. Whats a girl to do?

I rushed to the bogs with Laqueta (she's this realy cool black girl that comes to collige with a diferent hair weave every day, how friging ace is she). Laqueta was a star and helped me push 'the curtains' back whilst I had a good look up there with a hand mirror.

All I can say is that it looked like Hannibal Lecter had performed oral sex on me. I am mincemeat up there!

Decided that I had to book an appointment at the GU clinic today, so bunked off collige and picked up a copy of Heat. My appointment was at 12:15 but I got there early because theres nothing I love better than seeing people I know scratching there bits and bobs and looking all sheepish etc whist waiting to see the knob-nit-nurse.

I saw Gemma Rook, the one with the bad acne and no tits from high school. She was always getting picked on. I think they called her 'pizza face' or summat like that. Kids can be so crual.

Also saw Keren Rockwell who must be pitching a tent in the reception these days she attends so often.

Theres this right stupid system at the clap clinic right. You walk in and pull a ticket out this machine like your waiting to be served at the deli counter at Morisons. You wait for your number to appear on this big sign and then have to walk over to one of the booths. Theres usualy some stuck up bitch who looks at you like your the devil and asks you to confirm your name address and date of birth. I have been signing in as Trudie ever since I joined, they dont check any of it so who gives a shit.

Today I was asisted by 'Janice' who was this right old bag with a Dierdre Barlow perm and a jumper that would'nt look out of place in Cripples dog basket. She asked me if I had been here before and I said "all the time, I am a slag after all", which made her roll her eyes and tut realy loudly. I pointed over to this sine that said "OUR EMPLOYEES WILL NOT PRE-JUDGE OR DISCRIMINATE AGAINST COLOUR, CREED OR SEXUAL ORIENTATION", and said 'eat me bitch or I report you to your boss'

Funily enough, I manage to jump the queue and get seen strate away. I saw a realy nice nurse called Helen who asked me the usual questions, 'when did you last have sex', 'how many partners have you had in the last six months', which always gets them as I start counting on my fingers and then move to my toes and then back to my fingers before saying 'Oh, I just cant remember Nurse!'

Well, the nurse did all the usual tests, made me piss in a pot, take a swab in the gob and generaly had fingers up everywhere before having to go and wait in the receptoin area. Got called in an hour later and was told that it was'nt looking good. Seems I have picked up a whole host of diseases since the barbecew night and am going to have to go onto antibyotics and stop shagging for A MONTH until I am all clear.

Well, the arse just fell out of my world at that point. I mean, what else is there to do when Big Brother and Eastenders arent on telly?

Still, thank christ I took Emmas advice and bought one of those rabbits from Ann Summers. At least a dildo cant give me an STI. Or can it?

I now have to phone all the people I have slept with and tell them to get tested. Someone just pass me the phone book and I'll stick pins in it at random. Chances are I have had them.

I need cheering up as a result. Maybe my readers could suggest things to keep me ocupied whilst my ladygarden is unocupied! Send me a postcard drop me a line stating points of view.

PS Josie, if you even think about posting a comment...