Whats A Greek Urn?

About £3.75 an hour!

Hello you lot, its me Shampayne here! Back from me hols in Halkerdicky which turned out to be in GREASE not ITALY as raported earlier. Duh! I cant beleive that my jography is so crap.

Anyways, I have realy missed chatting to yous lot but have had a right blast with my mates abroard. Everyone came - Shel who shared a room with me, Jay and Clive, my bro Gordon and Jays ex Josh who seem to have got it on lately and my dog Cripple! Had to smuggle Cripple in a carboard box and pretend it was a present for my "Aunt Saskia". Cripple was in a bit of a state when we picked her up from luggage collection in Halkerdicky but soon pepped up when Shel fed her a burger. Mom said that she didnt have time to walk Cripple while i was on holiday so i thought 'fuck it' and decided to bring the dog with us. Was dead worried that she would bark cooped up in that box so I laced the cardboard with a whole bottle of Gordons poppers and it seemed to spark Cripple out cold for the whole flight! Result!

This was our hotel room. It was well glam and fuck knows how Mom wangled this. Everyone else was in realy rubbish self catoring hotels and they were well pissed off that me and Shel had got somewhere as nice as this.

Jay and Clive were staying in this awful dive called 'El Diablo' which had realy horrid curtans and the furniture all looked like it had come from a carboot sale. The bloke behind the front desk was dead wierd too and had these great big fish eyes that looked like they were gonna pop out of his head at any moment. Its down to all that sambuca they drink probably or the marouaner or summat dodgy.

This is Mr Wierdo from 'El Diablo' who didnt seem to give a shit that i wanted a picture of him and dutifully posed. Freak.

Had a bit of an eppy and strop on (not strap on) once I realised that I had brought the wrong currancy with me. £400 worth of Lira doesnt go very far in Grease, but managed to persuede Josh to swap it at a local burow de change. After all I couldnt risk my own personal security if they cottoned on to the fact it was all fake money. I chose Josh cuz he is my least favourite person out of the whole crowd and wouldnt be gutted if he was thrown into a greek prison for laundering fake notes. Turns out the woman at the burow only had one eye so hapily changed all the dosh into Euros for him. Result!

I have so much to tell you all, so will probably just have to do a daily digest or this post will end up being as long as Tony's todger. Snigger.

The first day we had was Saturday. After hitching a ride to our hotel which took an hour, cuz we couldnt get anyone to understand basic english, which is a fucking disgrace. Why these foriegners dont speak it is beyond me, dont they send kids to school or summat? A nice man called Enrekay took pity on us and said he would give us a lift. Got to the hotel and just slept for about three hours cuz we got pissed on the plane on the way over. The stewardess was getting her hair off at me and Gordon cuz we kept laughing and I had a bit of a barney at her and said "is it illegal to have fun these days or summat". Turns out she was more upset that I had been sick in the sink in the first class bogs and was saying that i shouldnt have been using them. Blah blah blah. I flicked her the bird and made sure that my breakfast tray was realy filthy so she got her hands grubby when she collected it. They gave us crappy crassonts and fruit juice instead of a fry up. I blame the european union myself, they have probably banned english breakfasts for not being european enough. I mite write to my MP about it.

Went down to the hotel bar and tried phoning the others but couldnt get any signal on my mobile. Turns out i needed to actervate it for roaming or summat acording to Shel. Gave the barman some sob story that my Mom was ill in hospital and that I had no credit on my phone, so he let me 'call the hospital'. Phoned Jays mobile and then Gordons mobile and aranged to meet at a club 'L'Esqualita' at 11pm. The barman started getting twitchy and ended up grabbing the phone off me, mutterning something about 'bastard english tourists'. Shel had to hold me back or I would have given him what for. Managed to smack the bowl of peanuts on the bar so they went in the ice bucket and all over the floor. That will teach folk to take the Shampayne on!

Hung around the bar getting ratted and then grabbed a ride with some english lads called Neil and Chris. Chris was well-pissed already and kept trying to feel my tits in the car, so I let him cop a feel on the understanding that they would give us a lift back to the hotel. He was like a dog on heat and clearly hadnt had much expereince with a worldley woman like what i am. Heres a pic of Chris that Shelly took with her mobile. Mom says I am a slag for getting my baps out on the first day - but I told her that was the best day to do it or theyd be sunburnt and have strap marks on them by day three. Silly mare, its clear I learnt all i know about flirting from Aunty Jean not Mom.

Danced with loads of fit blokes who all wanted to take me home. Decided to listen to Emmas voice in my head and let my foo foo have another night off. Did some heavy feeling up with Neil whilst dancing to 'Dance Yourself Dizzy' by Liquid Gold. I love those old songs. Drank a yard of ale and beat the local champion Fylippo, much to his disgust. Still, he couldnt have been that annoyed as he asked me to slowdance with him to 'I Will Always Love You' by Witney Houstan. Hands everywhere and I kept telling him "TITS FIRST I AM NOT A SLAG", which he didnt understand being foriegn and all that. Nothing like a knee in the bollocks to keep a blokes hands at bay. That seems to be internationaly understood.

Anyway, will be back again tomorrow with more tales of deborchery and sin. Laters! x x x