.: Badly Packed Kebab

Yo bitches!

Shampers here. Hope y'all doing okay.

Got up at 3pm today due to the jetlag from Grease and all that. Woke up with a right rumbletum so just ate what was to hand, including some jaffa cakes (the crap Morisons own lable version), monster munch pickeld onion x 2 and a toasted sandwitch filled with nutella spread and cashew nuts. I have developed such a varied pallet since going on my hols its untrue.

Cripple, my boxer dog, didnt fare too well on the way home as Gordon had used up all his amyl nitrait in 'L'Esqualita' and back at his hotel room (the slag) so we didnt have owt to put the dog to sleep with on the plane. She ended up crying for half the flight which alerted the attention of one of the stewards. When we got to the baggage collection point all we saw was the cardbored box - but no Cripple. I got dead upset and Shel said I shouldnt blame myself. After all it was my bitch mother who forced me to smuggle an animal abroard and back. Anyway everything all worked out for the best as Cripple is just like a homing pigeon and managed to find her way back home - at 4am this morning. Bark bark bark! I wasnt too pissed at her as I thought she was gonna end up in some rabies compound for six months wondering what the fuck had hapened to her. I like a happy ending.

Anyways, you lot all wanna know about the holiday. Well, day two, Sunday was a bit of a write off as Neil and Chris's car ran out of petrol on the way back from 'L'Esqualita' to the hotel. They got dead worried about leaving the higher car in the middle of nowhere so stayed behind. Me and Shel ended up hitching a lift with Carlos and Ignacio. Turns out Ignacio is a pool attendent at our hotel and therefore knew the way. Hurray for local boys!

Shel ended up chatting for england in the front to Carlos whilst I huddled up to Ignacio in the back. It got a bit cool by 4.30 so he had his arm around me. It felt a bit like those Doris Day and Rock Hudson films, except Ignacio isnt a bummer. For the first time ever I was snuggled up to a bloke without penetration of one horrofice or another. Shel said I should of worn more than a hanky top and my Daisy Duke cut off shorts. I think I have a fine arse so should show it off, especially as a) you just dont get that warm weather in Milton Kenes and b) it took Mom a whole 9 months to make my booty and I am proud of it.

We finaly got back to the hotel at 5.20 and the lads asked if we could meet them at 6.00 later that day for a drink in the bar. I said 'maybe' as it pays not to be too eager, but Shel said 'I will be there even if she isnt', which pissed me off big time. Us girls have to stick to the same script or it all goes tits up. Shel has so much to learn about romance.

Ended up sleeping until 2pm and then moved onto the balcony to get some sun on my carcass. Didnt realise that the parasol was casting a shadow over my left tit and ended up looking like a red cross flag. Shel said her tan was gonna come out of a bottle as she was worried about skin cancer etc etc. I say why pay £2.99 for sunblock from Supadrug when you can get a real one with a bit of olive oil and Mother Natures help? Anyway, only old people or people who do sunbeds get cancer innit?

Dont understand why these foriegners dont spell there names the way they say it. Ignacio says his name like he has a right lisp on him. Ignathio is what it sounds like. Someone awt to have a word with his mother like, but she was probably too poor as a child or they didnt have school back in the 1960s in Grease. These eastern european countries have a long way to go yet.

Met up with Carlos and Ignacio in the bar at 7pm as we overslept and then had a mad rush to get our hair looking less like we had been gangraped and more like Beyonsay from Destiny Childs. Here are some pics of Carlos and Ignacio.

Ignacio is on the right. He is a nutter! Carlos was much quieter and more Shellys type to be honest. Carlos is a waiter at the hotel but is studying music and wants to join an orcestra. He has a big horn or summat. Ignacio has almost graduated from sports collige and wants to be a fitness instructor or gym manager.

The boys ended up getting us a free meal as there freinds with the head chef, who is also called Ignacio. Must be a popular name in Grease. We were given garlic prawns to start, and I sent mine back because the lazy bastards hadnt taken them out of the shells and they still had the fucking tenticles and all. I just ate the bread instead. For main I had a garlic pizza with tatsyky dip or summat like that and Shel had a salad which was covered in all sorts of crappy oil and red bits. I would never eat any of that shit. The boys just sat there, smoked, drank, spoke in greek a lot and Shel and I kept asking them what they were saying. It was all probably about me and how grate my tits are. Boys will be boys.

Ended up going to a bar down the road called 'El Dorado' which made me think of that shit telly program from a few years back. Mom was always pissed that Wogan was axed in favour of that pile of poo. The bar was alright but hardly anyone spoke english, they just sang along to all the records instead. Me and Shel danced to Betty Boo 'Doin The Do', Black Box 'Ride On Time', Sinitta 'So Macho' and we also did the rowing boat song. This bloke was getting a bit too close with his 'oar' and was trying to impregnate me through my leggings. I threw a drink over him which caused a big row, because a) it alerted his wife to his flirting and b) it wasnt my drink that i threw over him. The two boys grabbed us and we made a run for it. Ignacio was a bit anoyed at me and kept pushing my hand away as we walked back to the hotel. God, men can be so bloody touchy. Turns out he was a bit anoyed that I snogged the doorman. Back at the hotel I had a heart to heart in the lift and said that I hadnt given my *heart* to him just yet and we had only known each other for 24 hours. He said that he falls in love very quickly. I didnt know what to say, so I decided to snog him and feel him up until we got to my floor. I cant deal with emotional attachment that early, but went to bed with a warm feeling about it all. I mean, if Doris Day could fall for Rock Hudson in the first fifteen minutes of a film then maybe, just maybe I could consider a holiday romance...

Laters! x x x