*Disclaimer* This blog is full of blatant lies and contains images of people totally unconnected to any text that may sit above or below it ALRIGHT?! Contact Shampayne if you have a complaint about anything on here. Laters! x

Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Kiss My Arse Deleah Smith















Last night Col and I stayed in and watched some romantic films on the settee.

I realy liked ‘Seed Of Chucky’ and ‘I Know Who You Did Last Summer’ but Cols mind was elsewhere. You know, if I am gonna rent some DVDs, well I say ‘rent’ because Shelly has contacts at Blocbusters who can ‘borrow’ films on the sly, then I want to watch them and not miss half the fucking story cuz Colin starts getting all horny on me.

I have told Col, if you wanna get jiggy with the Shampayne, then you need to get some decent porno films from Jonno at Subway Sarnies. He has loads of stuff on offer and you can pass him a list of your ‘wants’ when you pop in for a hot bacon baget. Result!

I mean its hardly a big deal to take your eyes off the screen for ten minutes whilst you give your boyfriend head, is it? Emma knows what Im talking about. Just the sound of some bleach blond bimbo getting spit roasted and moning like she is being split in two is dead sexy and puts me and Col in the mood.

Yesterday during the day I decided that I would phone the ‘Quids In’ shop to see if there was any news on my interveiw. Seems like the manager Dave said that it was all a formalety and that the job is more or less mine. I just have to pop in at 6:30pm on Thursday and see him for a one to one chat. He told me to ware summat nice. Fingers crossed then for the Shampayne!

Col said it was dead weird that Dave wants to interview me so late, but its my life and I wanna make a good impression. Col has only ever worked in the feild of sport so what does he know about proper jobs? No one tells the Shampayne what she can and cant do.

Tonight I am cooking a meal for dad and aunty Jean with some help from Charlie. Chanelle is still playing the cripple big time and isnt lifting a bloody finger. I tell you, I am tempted to jump in front of a bus if it gets you out of doing all the chores. Some girls are so lazy.

I have taken charge of the menu and Charlie is going to pertend to be a waitress and dress up. aunty Jean had a waitress outfit funily enough. Not sure why as she has never worked in the service industry in her life. Its a bit short but Charlie has got cracking legs. Much better than mine. Colin told me I had legs like corned beef which resulted in a swift knee in the bollocks. Result.

Our menu for tonight:

Findus Crispy Pancake with salad leafs
Chicken baked in puff pastry with Dairylea cheese filling.
Birds Trifle with a big fucking dash of Tea Maria!

The pie is gonna be a bit tricky as I am making it from scratch. I am peeling the breadcrumbs off some chicken nuggets we have in the freezer and have to roll out the pastry. I just hope that its defrosted by 6:00 or we mite have to resort to giving them more crispy pancakes.

Dad thinks its dead sweet and tells me that wifes fall into three catagorys:

Corporate

House

Fish

I am not sure which one I perspire to be like the most. I was gonna do another one of those poll things, but none of you fuckers bother to fill ‘em in.

Anyway, got some pans and stuff to get out of the cubored so I cant stay here talking to you lot now can I?

Laters x

Sunday, August 28, 2005

Show Me Your Trunchen




















Soz all for the delay in writing the blog again but its been a right busy old time once again. Have just got back from Manchester with Colin and Gordon. We went up there for the Mardy Gras and it was all bummers galoar! Loads of fit blokes and loads of big brash bears in checked shirts and snow wash denim. I know the 80s are back like, but the fashion statements outside 'The Rembrant' realy needs a makeover big time.

Gordon and Col get on grate and I am dead pleased that despight being so manly, Colin gets on just fine with the gays. As you know, what with Jay being my bestest male freind and my brother being a gayer its important that any signifecant other is comfy with a cocksucker in tow.

We did the bars and as the weather was nice we stood outside watching the world go by. Manchester is such a glamerous city, much nicer than Milton Kenes and the beer is much cheaper. Getting change from a tenor is good when theres three drinks in a round. Those staff at the Rembrant need to fucking learn how to spot how long youve been waiting though. I stood for twenty minutes and all these queens kept pushing in and waving there notes at arms lenth. Still, you dont get anywhere in this life by being a quiet wallflour.

The weekend was a celebration, after being arrested last week for stealing the jewely from Sherry and getting kept in a police station for four hours until they could check her story. Her son grassed me up and of course Sheila at that bastard old fokes home just asumed I had pinched the two rings. Kiss my ring thats what I say. I have sold the wedding ring anyways as I needed money for the weekend in Manchester. I got £265 quid for it on ebay. Result!

Shelly has split with Darren. I am impresed that her long distance relatoinship has lasted this long since we went on holiday. It seems that Darren just couldnt keep his cock in his pants and was screwing everything in site. Including boys too. What is it with buysexuals? I think its just greedy or lazy. Cant find someone within your prefered gender, then just find someone with a pulse and a hole. Grose. I would never tolerate a buysexual fella, you dont want them thinking of there best mates bum when there giving your foo foo a good pounding with the lights off, do you?

I have been sacked from my part time job and have now got an interveiw at Quids In, our local everything's a pound shop. I am gonna be in the office and not on the shop floor, so of coarse Dad is dead proud and keeps calling me Miss Exec. Ive got to get the fucking job first innit! I will be on the Price Control desk and have to check the price of goods when things dont scan at the till. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

On another note, Emma its fucking bad luck that you got robbed on holiday. But thats eastern europe for you babe. At least you didnt get finger fucked by a dodgy cab driver, or maybe you did and just havent said. We must swap ideas for the wedding make up etc etc. Maybe you me and Nicci should get together or summat. Shel is a bit pissed at having to be just one of my bridesmades, but I reckon you have to do the right thing by all of your mates.

Anyway, Dad is shouting me to come into the lounge before my chips get cold. I hate it when you get a skin forming on your curry sauce. We are gonna watch X Factor that we recorded on Sky Plus. I think Dad just likes to watch the girls in skimpy outfits before going to knock one out in the bathroom. Still, I would rather he indulg in a spot of DIY than shag some tart on the side. Theres no shortage in this housing block neither, with yours truly out of that eqautoin of coarse.

Laters x

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Ring Ring













Alright alright so I havent blogged for a few days. Its been a bit of a rolercoster since we last spoke. Chanelle got rushed to hospitel cuz her broken leg was all shagged up and she got a DVT and nearly pegged it. God I hate hospitels so much as they are so bloody derpresing, still there was some right fit fucks in there. Dr Bosworth who was treating Chan was as fit as. End of.


















Where shall I start? Oh yeah. The community service at the old bags home! What a fucking palaver thats been. You remember me telling you about Sherry, the old deer who kept telling me that me and her were long lost relatives cuz of our names? Well, she has been slipping me cash every time I have been working at the home as she said her bastard son cant wait for her to peg it so he can get his mits on her dosh. Who am I to argue with an old woman who knows her own mind.

Anyway, Sheila the manager only copped me taking a tenner from Sherry after I was cleaning the dinner plates away. She gets me in the office and says that I am a theif. Wehn I told Sheila to go and mind her fucking bisness she went and reported me to my community liaisen officer. I figered that it was gonna be the last time I would see Sherry and the other olduns, so went into Sherrys room and said my goodbyes. It was dead sad and Sherry started crying and all that. I told her that it was alright and that she could still give me money if she wanted and scribbled down my adress. Sherry said that Sheila would never let a letter adressed to me out of the building, so she only went and took her wedding ring and engagment ring off and gave them to me. She said she hates her sons wife big time and didnt want the cow to have her jewlry. Result! I mean, it feels a bit wierd taking someones stuff. With their permision I mean! I am gonna keep in touch with Sherry, its funny how summat I realy expected to hate has not been all that bad.

What next. Oh yeah. Jay and Clive have decided to split. Jay wasnt that botherd by it for some reason. He says that its just that apart from the sex they have nothing in common. I cant understand Jay sometimes. I mean, I have Shelly to talk to and I have Colin to shag. All bases covered. Gays can be so picky. I have told him that he had better think about finding a boyfreind that he likes as at the age of 18 he is only 12 years away from gay death. Once he gets to 30 his life is over. Gays dont like old people unless they have money. I mean look at that Fernish bloke who is dating that old pensoiner who sang at Lady Di's funeral.

Next up. Colin is still loving me up like a woman needs to be loved. I never thought that I would ever be so much into bum sex either. With other blokes it was always summat that I did to stop them dumping me but I kinda realy like it with Colin. He is dead wierd though and keeps calling me 'mate' when he is cumming. When I asked him about it he said that it was short for 'solemate' and that its cuz he loves me. I *heart* him still big time and have never felt like this about any man before, not even Trevor Hallworth who I was engaged to on my 16th birthday. He was the one who took my cherry and taught me to apreciate the male member. Turns out that he was a nonce as after doing me for two years he told me I was too old for him and broke off our engagement just weeks after my birthday. Still, Dad ended up braking his legs and got him nicked for doing me underage. Result. I *heart* my Dad. He has always been my first love and will probebly by my last. Bless.

What else. I know theres summat else I should be telling you lot. Let me think. Oh yeah!

I am engaged. Result!

Laters x

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Fuck Off Cafe Girl

Some skanky dirty evil misgided stinky feaces eating hoarbag i.e Cafe Girl and her STI ridden fan club The Cafeterias have been having a go at my mates from Trumpington Street.

If we are gonna start comparing real versus fake then examine the evidence if you will

Here comes the science!

Exhibit One - Dom























A fine specamin of manhood. Sits on the side of the church alongside Mark Almond, Jimmy Summervile, Julien Clarey and Graham Norten. Likes cock and has a bit of a thing for men in uniform, so had decided to become a paramedic in order to easily meet other chaps dressed up like The Young Doctors. Earned his nickname cuz of his prefered role in bed.

Verdict - real

Exhibit Two - Nicci

Currently studying to be a ballarina or was it a gernetic enganeer? I forget now but more importantly, she is extremely pretty - which is the one main qualaficatoin you need to get yourself a husband and nice things in this journey we call life. Top bird, can hold her drink and is best mates with Shampaynes most frequent visiter EMMA.

























Verdict - fresher than fresh, exciting.

Exhibit Three - Emma

Total babe and Shampaynes Plaices most frequent and tresured visiter. Always on hand to post a comment and defend Shampaynes vertue when others are sticking the knife in (Trudie, Josie, Cafe Girl etc etc). Has her own grate websight about making poo sandwiches and likes dirty websights, witch is probebly why she is such a big fan of MY blog.























Loves boys but ocasionaly flirts with lesbianism - which makes her SO cool.



















Verdict - Keeping it real

Exhibit Four - Ugly Bitch Cafe Girl



















What can I say - ugly, bad hare, looks like a drag queen. Stinks of piss.

I think you will all agree with the Shampayne on this one. Who looks real and who looks fake?

Cafe Girl - you aint got it going on. Give it up girlfreind.

I can hardly be arsed to blog today, but her coments slagging the Trumpers off realy made my blood boil. Now leave me alone so I can flick myself off to the fit lads on Trisher.

Laters.

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Oh For God Sake Just Die (Part Two)

Wotcher. Cant beleive I have been such a stupid cow.

It seems that Sara Pipalini doesnt actually exist. I had been listening to the telly in the background, UK History, which for once wasnt showing something about world war II - I know - its a fucking miracle.

Looks like when I herd the narater talking about Sara Pipalini being laid by 2400 men in six months that he was actualy refering to the Sahara Pipeline. Jay told me this morning after he had been reading Shampaynes Plaice. Its not my falt that I never paid atention more carefuly to the telly, I was busy picking the dead skin off my feet.

Anyways it seems that the FIVE of you who voted want me to be Kylie. Result! I am halfway there acording to the comments left anyhows. Cheers you lot - but can more of you fucking vote next time purlease!

Went to the old folks home this morning and met Sheila Falkirk the manageress who seemed okay at first but had changed to total queen fucking bitch only an hour later. She got the Shampayne to do some folding of bed linin first witch was okay. Got to meet some of the other staff. Theres Stella, who has been there for four years and has a boz eye. I never knew where to look - the left one or the right and was never sure if she was talking to me or not, so kept saying 'yeah' after each sentence to make sure.

I helped at lunchtime by taking plates of grub to the tables and then had to chat to the old dears. Some of them are alright and were being dead nice to me. One old lady called Sherry kept telling me that we could of been long lost relatives, seeing as we are both named after booze. Silly old goat. Still, she put a folder fiver in my parm and told me to say nothing to Sheila. Result! Will have to make sure I keep her sweet so she can continue to make it worth my while in going.

Most of them seem to just sleep and dont want to talk. Unless you change the chanel on the telly and then its fucking world war III! God, it must be the one plesure left in life as there clearly too old to shag each other. Eeew. The thought of it.

Sheila is a total hoar and bitch fucker becuase she made me take Janice to the toilet and said that I had to supervise her going for a poo. Grose. I didnt know WHERE to look. Spesh as she was straining a bit to get it moving. Eeew. Double grose.

When I bought Janice back to the dinner table, Sheila asked me if Janice had washed her hands. I said 'I dunno has the cat got her tong or summat'. Sheila then grabbed my arm and took me to one side and said 'look here you council flat scum, I dont want you here and if you keep this up then I am going to make things very shitty indeed'

For once I was a bit gobsmacked. Not even my Mom talks to the Shampayne like that. I am not gonna let the bitch get away with it though. Revenge is a dish best served cold.

I am back there again on Friday. Gotta get there for frigging 9:00 this time! Bastards.

On another note - cant beleive that Craig has been booted out of the Big Bother house. I thought it was gonna be that fat skanky scumbag Kinga. In fact, I used the phone at the old folks home 23 times to vote for her. Poor Anthony! Jay reckons that Anthony will go to peaces now. Cant wait for the interveiw with Dervina at 9:30.












Must go. Got to get a shag in with the lovely Colin as he is off to Akedo at 9:30. Says he is helping some new lad out with his fitness program. He is so good to all those boys at the fitness club.

PS Dom, Emma and Nicci - there at it again posting coments saying you lot are all made up. Sort em out will ya. Laters!

PPS To anser the question, Chanelle got run over by the DHL delivery van. The driver has screwed Aunty Jean in the past and now he has screwed Chanelle. Poor cow. My *heart* goes out to her at this dificult time.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Oh For God Sake Just Die!

Got a phone call at 5pm from this big wig person responsable for making sure that I am doing my comunity service. Seems like I 'forgot' to turn up on Monday morning for the first stint at the old folks home.

Well pardon fucking me. Its not my fault if I was being rogered senseless by my boyfreind and forgot to get out of bed all day - is it?

As a punishment the sentense has gone up to 20 hours insted of 15.

Bastards!

Jay was over at the time I got the call. Havent seen much of him since the holiday and it was grate to catch up. He was asking me all about Colin and I was being all coy - cuz I know what Jay is like. It would'nt be the first straight bloke that Jay has got pissed and then fucked. He claims to have had 9 straight blokes so far and reckons they all woke up with bumholes like bullet wounds the next day. Its wrong if you ask me, theres plenty of gays out there so why try to convert straights to the dark side? Keep your hands off Colin you big bumboy!

I have got to report to the old dears home on Wenesday now. Fucking 10am start too! I *hate* early mornings. They had better not make me do anything grose, like bedpans or wiping arses. I can barely do my own after a night on the Bacardy Breezers.

Jay is convinced I am gonna end up killing one of the old people while there in my care. What sort of a slap happy monster does he think I am? I am not a total cow.

Oh and so far people think I wannabe Kylie Minoge. Sara got one vote and one person doesnt give a fuck. Come on you lot, get voting.

Laters x

PS Chanelle got run over yesterday and has broke her leg. She was pissed at the time so she aint getting no sympathy from the Shampayne. I suppose I had better phone mom and tell her.

Monday, August 08, 2005

Wannabe

Soz for the lack of posting during the last week but you know how it is - your busy living your life rather than writing about it on your blog page.

Things are going exeptoinaly well with me and Colin. We have practicaly spent a hole week in bed and its been grate. I have to say Col has got some good staying power and is always wanting to do me. I mean the Shampayne has got a high sex drive and has often been a moody cow cuz her shags have 'reached the finish line' before she is ready. Not with Colin, he is a sex god!

We have been watching loads of telly in bed at Colins plaice. Including Big Brother. All I can say is that Kinga girl is a fucking skanky slag. I would NEVER act like such a slut and thats saying summat for the Shampayne. If I ever bump into her in a club I will tell her what a dirty bitch she is. Talk about giving girls a bad name. Hoar.


Have been watching BBLive on E4 and saw what Minger sorry Kinga had for brekkie. Just look!

It's spagetty with fried egg and bread and butter. Fucking hell someone ring Gillian Anderson from You Are Who You Eat and report the bitch for not only being ugly, but for eating utter shit. Not even the Shampayne would dream of having such an unhelthy breakfast.

Mind you, Colin has been making sure I have had plenty of protein inside me first thing each day. Burp.

You know how you have those daft conversatoins in bed about who you would be if you werent yourself? I have drawn up a shortlist of who the Shampayne wood be if she wasnt busy being Shampayne!

Wannabes

Number One - Emma Bunten

I used to love Spice Girls and especaily Emma or Baby as she used to be known as. She was always a goody two shoes but sexy with it. I wish I was more like her as I think I look a bit easy rather than virginel. I know I know, your all gonna disagree with that comment and rush to my defense but its true. I may not be a lady - but I am all woman.


























Number Two - Kylie Minoge

What is there to say about Kylie? She has been around forever and still looks like a totel babe. She aint bad for an old bird. I love her cloths too and she never has a bad hare day nether. Still I hope she gets better real soon. I would just hate it if I had to have anything done to my tits - my *heart* realy goes out to her, but not Dannii as Dannii is a talentless cow who cant do nothing original of her own. Copycat.


























Number Three - Sara Pipalini

I dont know much about Sara but she is already a heroin of mine for being laid by over 2400 men in six months. Respect to the girl, that is some feet and surely she should be in the Ginnes Book Of Whatever It Is for beating Anabel Chang that chinese porn star who fucked a load of fellas in her video. Small fry work Anabel, dont come back until your in Sara Pipalinis leage!


























So, lets have another pointless poll - tell me who you think I wannabe and when I am bored and have nothing else to say I will publish the results!