When Will I Be Famous

I cant answer. I cant answer that.

The DJ at Retro Heteros was playing this video on Friday night. I kinda wish I was around in the 80s as it seems that everything was more fun and fashion was much more stilish. Still I am only going on music and clothes. Lets not forget Thatcher and the bastard tories. They fucked up the 80s considarabley.

Yesterday Colin and I went to Birmingam for the day. I have done the nightlife there but aint done the shops and shit so we hopped on a train from MK to the *heart* of the midlands. Yous lot have all been nagging me for a piccie of Colin. So - due to populer demand here is my baby!

























Isnt he a fucking dreamboat? I was dead proud to be seen out with him and LOADS of girls were all eyeing him up big time. I spent most of the day shoving them out the way and saying FUCKING FIND YOUR OWN BLOKE BITCH. Must be a Birmingam thing as girls there seem to be starved of any kind of male talent. All of the men in the Bullsring were minging. Totaly.

Colin said that he was gonna pay for the hole day and started off by cueing at the railway station. I told him to forget that and use the money for more important things like cloths and cds and mobile acesorys etc. Noone came to check the tickets on the way there so it just goes to show you dont have to pay for pubic transport. Result!

It pissed down all day so we were indoors most of the time. I have never been to Starbacks before, it was dead posh and they had these fucking posh cakes and sarnies that were bloody expensive. Must be because its imported from america or summat. We just had a coffee each as Col said we would have a Maccie Ds for dinner.


























Col bought me a teeshirt from JD Sports. They were all in the sale and they didnt have my size on show but I found an XXL on one of the dummys, so I dismanteld the shop display and took the top off it. The girl on till three got dead arsey with me so I shouted at her DO YOU WANT PEOPLE TO FUCKING BUY ANYTHING OR WHAT. She called the manager and I got asked to leave. Not before helping myself to some sweatbands and a couple of keyrings. Result!

In town we bumped into this lad who looked like a right bummer who seemed to know Colin. Colin said he used to do aikedo with him at school. Its cool that Colin isnt scared of the gays as its important that he gets on with Jay and Clive and Josh etc. I dont want no homeofobic boyfreind as the Shampayne is a modern woman you know.

Had a supersize meal and a McFlurry. There doing a WillyWonka versoin at the minit cause of the film. I was joking with this woman on the next table that it wouldnt be the first time I had something creamy from a willy around my chops. She had no fucking sence of humor as she took her kids and moved to another table. Snotty cow. Fuck em fuck em all. I dont like Birmingam people at all so far. Except all the gays in The Nightingayle.

On the way home the train was packed so Colin and I 'upgraded' to first class. The ticket colectors never asume you havent got a ticket so we never got chalenged once. It was wierd though as the woman oposite had forgoten to put her top on and had been shopping in her bra. Take a look!


























It was all too much exitement for Col, he flaked out about five mins after we had sat down. The woman with no top on got a bit pissed at me for eating one of those takeaway pizzas that they sell in the statoin concorse. Col bought it me as it was gonna be 90 mins before we could have our tea. Bless him hes such a romantic. Heres Col making the most of the first class seats. It makes me sleepy looking at this pic. I *heart* him already, I realy do!



























Got back to the flat and everyone was out. Col isnt a naturel go getter so I helped him out by showing him my tits. He soon responded and took me nice and rough on the lounge floor. He has a nice big cock I am pleased to report and only needed a rest of about ten mins before he wanted to go again. Did me doggy stile over the edge of the sofa and we made so much noise that Shellys mom came down to see if everything was okay. I told her it was alright and what she thought was someone being murderd was actualy me cumming like I was being penetrated by a horse. She laughed and told me 'I hope your being safe Shampayne!'

Me? Safe? My idea of safe sex is to do it in a bus shelter.

Col did me a third and forth time and afterwards we had a bath. He realy likes titwanks too.

Result! Not only has the Sham got a good looking man he can also shag her senceless. I know your all pleased for me. God knows its been at least a month since I had any cock action.

Do let me know what you think of Colin. I do value your opinoin!

Laters x

He Used To Bring Me Roses

I got to court early, cause my breif said that she had to go through loads of admin crap and stuff. I got up dead early at 08:30, which was a killer after all the Cheeky Vimtos I drank last night at 'Retro Heteros', which is a new 'mixed' bar - basicaly an 80s DJ with loads of boys who dont want to say outrite that they are bummers and think that people mite think there straight cause its a 'mixed' bar. Well, thats what Jay reckons anyway.

The gang all ralyd round last night to cheer me up. If you ask me it was more of a 'last night of freedom' thing in case the Shampayne is banged to rights, innit?

I am pleased to say though that SHAMPAYNE IS A FREE WOMAN! Hurray x 1,000,000 etc.

I am now the proud owner of a ASBO however, which is short for anti socail berhavour order. I am no longer alowed to go down the road that Trudie lives in for any reason at all. Not now, not ever. This is suposed to make sure that any bad blood between our familys is stopped cuz it makes it imposible to post dogshit through her letter box etc.

Still - botherd. I have been there and done that and its not as if I sit around all day thinking of ways to piss Trudie off. The court was trying to make out that I could of had something to do with the kidnaping of her cherwower and pooing in the kitchin sink earlier in the year but they cant prove nowt. Result!

I have got 15 hours of community service at an old bags home which will be a peace of piss. Read some Cathrin Cookson books to them and fluff there pillows. I mean its hardly hard labia is it?

I realy wanna thank all of yous for your suport during the past few days. I am meeting Colin for tea later. He sais we should spoil ourselves and have a sit in Maccie Ds instead of the drive thru. I want him to make it super sized for only 30p! Going to court gives a girl an apetite.

Charlie and Chanelle were gutted as they thought that they were gonna be able to convert my bedroom into a walk in wardrobe. I thought about walloping them for being such *heart*less bitches, but remembred I am a pacifist.

Pass a fist here, pass a fist there...

Laters x

PS I *heart* you all, I realy do!

I *Heart* My Mom

Sometimes we forget just how much our moms have done for us over the years and one day they arent gonna be around. Yeah I know what your thinking, whats she got all seroius for all of a sudden? Well, when you hit a bit of an oil slick along the path of life you tend to 'take stock', whatever that means.

Since my mom got sent down I have realy missed her! Not just because she did all the cooking, cleaning and ironing - thats obvoius. I realy miss all the rows we had about me coming home later, keeping my room untidy, being cheeky to my dad and for sitting on my brothers face and farting. All the things that normal familys get up to.

I realy miss all of that. Its been so quiet in here that I feel that someone died ya know?

Mom wrote to us a few days ago and she slipped a letter in just for me. Gordon and the twins were just included in the mane family one. Not that mom loves them any less but me and her have always had a closeness that isnt there with the others. Maybe its because I used to lie for her when I was younger by pretending to be four when I was realy six so she never had to pay for me on the bus. Its all them unspoken things innit?

This is what my mom said:

Dear Sham

First of all I *heart* you big time. Things have been tough in here. Drug pushers, child merlesters, prostitutes all around. But these women are people too you know? Someones mother, someones daughter, someones sister. I cant confess to knowing what makes some of them tick but when you strip away the crime, they are just like you and me.

I miss you, Gordon and your sisters. I miss dad lots and hope that Aunty Jean isnt poisoning him with her god-awful lasagne! Just make sure that she keeps her hands to herself as she has always had a bit of a thing for your father, the old slag.

I have had lots of time to think about what I did. Stealing that chrimbo club money wasnt such a big deal or so I thought but the law is the law and I cant go saying that it wasnt wrong when it was. I just wanted to tell you to have a good old think about your own life. Dont make the same mistakes like your old mom. Your still young Shampayne. I want your life to be different to mine. Dont piss it away.

I just wanted to tell you that your always gonna be my special little girl and I can hear you saying "Oh Mom!" already. Its allowed, thats what moms are for. I know your a adult now and your capable of taking care of yourself. I love you girl always remember that I am here for you even if I cant be with you right now. At least we have a grate chrismas to look forward to!

Laters

Mom x x x

PS Tell Aunty Jean that Officer Chapman thinks she is hot too. Not that I want a prison screw as a brother in law but knowing Aunty Jean she only wants to knob him not marry him.

PPS Make sure Gordon is changing his duvet every two weeks. It will be like a plank of wood by the time I get paroled otherwise.

PPPS Can you make sure that you nick some top shelf titles from the newsagent for your dad? It means he wont get tanked up and try to shag half the barstaff down the flagging lamb. Have a wank, thats what I say.

Love you loads! Mom

Aaaaw, I *heart* you too Mom! I really do.

Balsamic Bollocks

Wotcher!

Am on cloud eight after going out with Colin for sunday lunch yesterday. I am pleased to say that it went realy well and we are gonna see each other again.

Am still a bit worried that he is a bit on the gay side as he never tried to feel my tits once. Still we were in The Harvester surrounded by loads of people so I mite have to let him off for that one. He paid for it all quite rightly as blokes should pay for everything. I am a modern girl and all that but I still think that theres give and take in relatoinships. He gives and I take.

Had prawn cocktail to begin with followed by roast beef and all the trimings then sherry trifel for pud. None of this fucking ponsey ‘drizzeld in balsamic vineger’ bollocks or ‘on a bed of wilted spinach’ shit. Those fancy london menus should of stayed where they belong – in bloody london. Give me pub grub any day.

Am missing Moms home cooking like mad and going on her letter to us at the weekend, she is missing proper food too. Aunty Jean tries dead hard by cooking dads tea twice a week but if I can be a bit harsh here, it tastes fucking rank. Still she has been dead helpful and is always helping dad tidy up his and moms bedroom. So much so that they never seem to get around to doing another room. They must have been moving furniture around cause dad was so out of breath when he came out onto the landing the other afternoon.

I will share the contents of Moms letter with you tomorrow just so you have a taster for what life could soon by like for shampayne. Am so nervous about Wednesdays court apearence that my bladder is on overdrive. I tell you, my gusset has never been so sweaty.

Laters x

Banged To Rights

Shit. Have well and truly done it this time. My apearance at the majistrates is on Wednesday at 10:30. It seems that Shampayne is now oficialy an eyesaw in the community.

It was all down to what happened on Wednesday night. Me and Jay went out for chips as we do on a Wednesday. We actualy have chips most nights but not with Jay. He thinks its a once a week treat for me now I am slimming down to be a modal. Ha, more fool him.

Anyways, we had some of that new half sugar Bacardy Breezers as Jay says you can get well ratted and keep your figer. Sat in the park with our chips and the breezers. Mine was an apple and summat and it was dead moreish. They were only 2 for £3 at the offy so we had three lots for a tenner and enough change for a Mars Delite each. I fucking love those but there too small. You want more than two fingers inside you dont you? Emma knows what I am talking about.

Jay decided to play true dare double dare and I ended up losing a double dare and he told me that my forfit was to do a poo and post it through Trudies letter box. After nearly wetting myself laughing at Jays sence of humor, he is a sick fuck after all, I agreed.

I used the polistirene tray from my chips and did the number two in the bogs in the park. Wrapped it up in the chip paper and we couldnt stop laughing all the way to Trudies. I had to wait ages for the street to be clear and crept up the drive. Jay was giggling and putting me off and I nearly bottled it. Got up to the door and had a right game. Seems my poo had got a bit squashed on root and wouldnt tip off the tray so I had to give it a bit of a prod. It fell onto there hall floor and as I started back down the drive the security lights came on so me and Jay just went off as quick as fuck. Result!

Turns out it was all on video though as the police were knocking on the door on Thursday morning at 8:00. Have they no respect for those of us who need our sleep? Bastards. I have been arrested for wilful damage or some shit, pardon the pun if you will. I am in court next Wednesday. God, fuck nose what the verdict is gonna be. Can they send you down for doing that sort of stuff?

Still, Shelly says you have internet in prisons and stuff so I would be able to blog. It aint all that bad.

Oh, and it seems that I am a slag acording to the poll. Bless you Dom for your kind words, but its all a bit obvous that I am a dirty dog when you look at my life. What have I done with the years that god has given me?

Had a right fucking laugh, thats what.

Laters x

You Spin Me Right Round

Today the local funfair came to town, so me and Shelly threw sickies from our jobs and went off in search of fast rides. We were also interested in visiting the fair too.

Before you ask, I am doing some work at the Martins Newsagents now that collige has broken up for the summer. My holiday in Grease was tecnicaly during term time, so my hols are even longer this year. Anyone knows that end of collige and school is just doss time so I never missed nothing anyhows.

Shelly is still working at Burger King part time but she hates it and wants to do something more chalenging. Like office work and stuff. Still more fool her, youd never catch me getting finger fucked by some fat git in a broom cuboard just cause he is the boss. Grose.

Got to the fair and went straight to the waltzers. I love those rides where they shout 'the louder you scream the faster you go', it realy makes me horny! The blokes in charge of the ride were well fit and had Nike trackies and trainers on. I like a bit of posh totty you know.

Me and Shell would'nt go on with the two girls in front of us. You are supposed to have four in a car but I figured that the bloke who is paid to collect the money and spin you around mite of fancied them instead of us. Tipped him the wink and he let us go in a car on our own. He collected the dosh and asked Shelly 'how fast do you like the ride to go love?' and she just went brite red. I told him 'we wanna go all the way'.

So the ride starts and they were playing some well wicked music like 2 Unlimited, The Progidy and Bazaar Ink. I was SO young when those were in the charts. Mr Nike came to spin us round and it was a right laugh for about five minutes until Lucy Cawdron from the year below us at school started smiling at Mr Nike. Before I knew it we had been ditched for that bitch. What the shag he saw in her I dont know. Bastard.

Shell and I decided to go on the dojem cars and flirted like fuck with the blokes in there too. But they were interested in the realy young girls who were like 10/11 or so. I was calling them perverts until one came over and said that the two girls "were his daughters and me and Shell was to mind our fucking business, fat cow". I was so mad. How dare he refer to Shelly as a fat cow. I know she piled it on during the holiday but that was bang out of order.

Still, we had a jumbo hot dog and some candy floss to cheer us up. The diet starts tomorow.

Saw Colin Frith who used to run the akido club that my brother Gordon atended. God, he has blossomed. Went over and asked him if he remembered me and he said yes. After loads of mad flirting he asked if he could give me a call sometime. Playing hard to get I left it a hole ten seconds before saying yes. I am going on a date! I need cheering up after that hole holiday fiasco. Just hope that this one isnt a mental case or a gay. Where are all the real men? You know, the ones that want to feel you up in the back of there car on the cinema car park. I am sick of all these new men with there manners and all that bollocks. Bring it on.

At the moment, the poll says I am an English rose. Come on you lot, pull your finger out and get voting. I wanted it to be unanermouse but its been a bit of a piss poor response. Emma, get all the trumpers voting darling. I want to be a slag, not a flower!

Laters x

Who Are You Calling A Slag?

Its My Party

Hello bitches!

I am back after yesterdays somewaht dazed and confused day in bed. I was realy sick after all that booze and can say that I know the u-bend extremely well. Still its all my own fucking fault, as my father keeps telling me. He has been dead tetchy since mom got sent down. I told him to have a wank and he will feel less stressed but no. Still Aunty Jean has been dead suportive and keeps coming over to cook our teas. She is a grate aunty. No, not my grate aunty, she is just dead fab.

I wish I could tell you something interesting but its basically been a quiet day as I slept for most of the morning into the afternoon. Thank god for Sky Plus, as its recorded all the morning telly I love. Dont know about you lot but every time I go chanel hopping I end up looking at QVC and its only supposed to be for a few seconds. 50 minutes later and I am still watching some bint having some dead sea shark moistariser applied to her ever-smiling face. What is it about that chanel? Jay says its sublim-anal advertising. Spooky!

Shelly emailed me some pics of our night out on Tuesday. Thought you mite like to see em. I still dont remember anything! What will I tell my grandchildren? Fuck knows, I guess I will just say I had a nice night out with me mates, which isnt far from the truth. Still dont know why my foo foo is itching like fuck though. God knows who has sampled my ladygarden of delights. Hope you enjoyed yourself whoever you are. I kind of empathise with Madonna's 'Beautiful Stranger' at times like this. "Havent we met, your some kind of beautiful stranger, you could be good for me, Ive had a taste for the danger"

Still, on another note we get our first visiting order for mom next week. Dad says I can go first to apoligise for getting her sent down. Its not my fault but I guess I will show willing. Just hope she doesnt come back with a K D Lang haircut and waring dungarees all the time. Prison can turn a woman, so I have herd.

That last pic is actualy of me with some bloke in DV8 acording to Shelly. Maybe he was the one who visited my tradesmens entrance. If anyone knows him can you ask him to email me. I think he is a bit of dish. What do you reckon Emma?

Laters x

Someone Bring Me A New Head

Morning. Thought I had better post a message to let you know how last night went.

Gordon has told me my karioke version of 'Hole Again' by Atomic Shitten sorry Kitten was grate. I dont remember anything after 8pm or so. I think we had a good time but to be honest I aint got a clue.

My head feels like its gonna explode so I aint gonna hang around blogging.

Thanks for all the comments and cheers for some of the virtuel cards that some of you emailed me. It was dead nice.

I am off to bed with Heat magazine and a bumper pack of nurofenn.

Laters mi amigoes x

Its No Fun When Its Legal..

...because I am eighteen years old tomorrow!

Three cheers for Shampayne! Hip hip, hooray etc etc

The entire holiday crowd, and some are all heading out to Birmingham for a night out. We are going to The Nightingale, DV8 and are meeting for drinks in Missing beforehand. If anyone wants to join us then get to Missing for 8pm. I will be the fat cow with the dodgy hat with condoms flying off at all angels. I mean, I have always wanted to ware one of those attention-whore hats like you see on hen parties, so told Shelly I would have one for my eighteenth.

As I am a bit younger than the rest of the crowd they have all been ribbing me about it being a real let down once your eighteen as it just doesnt feel the same when your no longer braking the law. I say that there are loads more laws that are just iching to be busted, so make sure that you carry on reading Shampaynes Plaice to see witch ones I smash to bits in the future.

I was wondering what cloths to ware. I have a choice

1) Daisy Duke shorts, red hanky top, platform flip flops

2) Green leggings and orange boob tube with knee lenth boots

3) A giant chicken fancy dress costume

4) Jeans, halter neck pink top from New Look, silver strappy sandles and matching bag.

If you read this before 5pm on Tuesday 12th, then send me a comment telling me what you think I should plump for. Our train is at five summat from MK station. Cant wait! Ive never been to Birmingham before but Jay, Gordon, Clive and Josh have all been there. Probably because theyve had all the available cock in milton kenes already. Slags.

Anyone else wanna wish me happy birthday, then leave a comment. I *heart* you all, I realy do!

Laters alligators x

With This Ring, I Thee Wed

Yeah right. As if I'm going to marry Ignacio! What sort of fairytail happy ending did you want to this story? Get real.

The picture is of Shelly and Darren. She and him are gonna stay in touch and be long distance lovers. I have warned her that he is probably just looking to marry her so he can get a UK passport. I mean, Grease is a third world country after all. She needs to be careful. Still, it will probably all fizzel out after a couple of weeks of phone sex.

Well, here's the last instalment in the holiday saga. The last full day of the holiday was spent with the whole gang. The others had to vacate there hotel and were at a loose end. Me and Shel had the option to keep our room until we needed to leave so the others came over to our plaice.

Got ratted at the bar and Jay had a row with Josh who was flirting with Clive. Gordon got mad at Josh for flirting with Clive. It was all handbags at dawn and me and Shel just pissed ourselves laughing at the body langauge. I tell you, a catfight between girls is one thing, but with queens its on another level intirely.

I decided that I needed to get me some more holiday romance before flying home as all I had done was Ignacio, the Halckerdicky police force and some random Greek tramp. A girl needs to notch up her bedpost before matrermoney calls, after all.

Tipped this english bloke called Kevin the wink. He was in the bar on his own as his wife and kids had gone off to day market for last minute presents. Got chatting and purswaded him to go off to the bogs with me. Seems he has been a good boy and had kept his marraige vows for the last 9 years. He got rather overexited and 'spent his pocket money' before he had even got into the shop. Shit! Ditched him pronto and went over to the leisure centre to see if there was any more totty hanging around.

Spotted two blokes playing squash and decided I woul'dnt mind playing 'squash' underneath one of them. A blond guy in his thirtys I guess called Mike. When they had finished playing I called over and said 'hey Mike your techniqe is realy good, how do you do those grate backhanders', which of coarse any girl knows is tantamount to fourplay with any bloke. Tell them that you find something impresive about them and they go all testosteroney on you. Ten minutes later I was in a broom cupboard getting it up the arse. Result!

Got back to the bar only to find that Trudies mom and dad were back again looking for me. Legged it over to Ignacios room and asked him if I could stow away for a bit. I wasnt scared of them or nuffink but just didnt want my last day to be spoiled or get the others involved in a brawl. Ignacio was dead nice and kept stroking my hare as we lay on the bed watching the CNN news channel. It was the only program that was in english. They had Dallas, Goodnight Sweethart and Attack Of The Clones on telly but it was all overdubbed into Greek. Bastards.

Ignacio told me that he was sorry things hadnt worked out for us and I said that it was a shame and all that. Then he got down on one knee and bought out this fucking awful ring and asked me to marry him. I pissed myself laughing and said "you must be joking mate" and did a bunk. Still it was the first proposel I have had so far and think that I handled it pretty well.

Told the others downstares in the bar that Ignacio had asked me to marry him and everyone started shreiking and hugging me. "Oh I am so pleased for you, where will you live, what about your beauty coarse at collige" etc etc.

I had to laugh realy that they thought for a minute that the Shampayne was ready to stop sharing her box of delights with the male race just yet. I mean, there would be a riot back in milton kenes if they thought that I was off the market.

Boreded our plane at 4pm and we all got ratted on the mini bar. Again got bollocked by the cabin crew for taking fags and jewelry from the 'shop' without paying first. I was gutted as I thought I had got away with it without being seen. Turns out that some old bitch behind me grassed us up. Got my own back later by making myself sick over her. We had a beef dinner on the plane too you should of seen her t-shirt!

All backfired at the airport though as I was oficialy advised that I was now banned on Air Grease flights. I told them that it was no big fucking deal as I hated the bastard country and was never planning on going back again anyway. They can kiss my arse.

Got home to find that mom had been arrested for embezzlement of the chrimbo club funds at the Flagging Lamb and had also been sacked from her job. All because of me too. Felt bad for a few minutes and then went to bed for the rest of the day. She got sentenced on Thursday morning and should be home in time for Chrismas all being well.


Laters x

That Fucking Bitch (Part Two)

Suddenly rememberd the next day that I had brought my boxer dog Cripple on holiday with us, so located the cleaning cupboard in the hotel that we had stowed her in and opened up the door - only to find that the fucking bitch was'nt in there!

Fuck. I began to think that Mom was gonna kill me. I mean, you already know that she got home safe and sound ,so this isnt gonna be much of a surprise diary entry. I cant be fabulous and scandalous every single day of the week, a girl needs her rest you know.

Turns out that Ignacio had rescued Cripple and taken her back to his hotel accomerdatoin. Bless. It realy made me think that I mite of been a bit hasty about ending our relatoinship before it had a chance. Still, most blokes dont take kindly to watching you getting your box wiped by the slavvering tongue of a Greek tramp.

Still, I feel no pain, I feel no shame and I am not to blame.

Ignacio got chatting to me by the pool and said he was sorry for over reacting to me getting jiggy with a total stranger. I didnt know what to say but gave him a hug for being such a love. Then he slapped me round the face and said 'how could you fucking leave your dog in a cupboard with no light, no air and no food. I have a good mind to report you to the authorities!'

'So thats what hapened to her!' I said and gave Ignacio an even bigger hug. 'I thought shed been kidnaped or summat'.

It was at that moment that Ignacio seemed more of a hero and less of a zero than I had thought before. Could I of been wrong about him all along?

No. Bollocks to it. No one judges the Shampayne or tells her where to get off like that. So I pushed the fucker into the pool for a second time after taking his keys out of his pocket. Rescued Cripple from Ignacios room and then me and Shelly took her out for a great big walk for ages and she had a good ten minutes to strech her legs and do a poo etc.

Cripple was so pleased to see us although she kept wincing in the bright sunlight for some unknown reason. Afterwards we took her into the hotel dining room and let her have free rain of the buffet table, witch didnt go down well with the staff for some reason, they realy are moaning bastards I have to say.

A couple of hours later Shelly and I got asked to vacate the swimming pool by the hotel manager rather than Ignacio. It seems the other guests objected to having a dog swimming in the pool with them. Fucking foriegners! I hate Grease I realy do. Still, Cripple left them something to remind them of her visit to the pool. Result!

Didnt do much later. Jay and co asked us to meet them but they were just gonna go and have some mousacker and other Greek shit for tea folowed by dancing at 'L'Esqualita'. I had gotten bored of doing the same thing every night, so decided to stay in the room with Shel and watch the telly and eat Pringles. No one can acuse me of being boring and in a routine now, can they?

Laters x

One In The Eye For Shampayne

The following day was much more sedait, I am pleased to report. Got up much earlier than other days and managed to get brekkie. The staff were still twitchy about letting us in at 11:52, as they were getting ready for the lunchtime guests.

Still, Shelly and I ate for england. I had two cooked brekkies which frankly were shite, as there was no bacon just some shitty palmer ham and bratvest sausage instead of bangers. STill when your hung over any grub will doodle do. Stuffed shitloads of danish pastrys and bread rolls into a pillow case that I had brought in under my trackie top for the afternoon but got stopped on the way out for trying to carry the big punchbowl full of orange juice out of the dining room. Still, they knew nothing about the box of wine that Shelly nabbed from the store cupboard. Result!

Went down to the pool to inhanse my tan and bought the olive oil and our stereo that we 'bought' from the night market on day one. Had to nick some battries from the supermarket and had a right game as one of the checkout birds recognised me as the one who set the fire alarm off earlier in the week. Had to run like fuck to avoid further arrest. Was so out of breath and my baps realy ached all afternoon as I had not put my bra on.

Got our sunbeds right by the pool which caused a row with the two german women who had been using them before us. How was I to know that leaving a towel and a book on them meant that they were in use? Still, yelling 'bollocks to you love' seems to be intenationaly understood. Result!

Got told off by Ignacio for playing the stereo too loud and felt a bit bad about puking up on him so we turned it down from level 10 to level 9, witch goes to show that I do ocasionaly compermise. Enjoy it while it lasts Ignacio. Bought my Girls Allowed and McFly CDs but seem to have lost the Black Eyed Peas CD that I stole from Caras house. Shit, still she stopped asking for it once I smacked her in the face.

"Oh sorry Cara, I thought you said to me 'can I have a black eye please'"

Ate all the grub and then went swimming. Got told off by Ignacio that diving wasnt allowed so once again I thought I would behave. Any more mouthing off and I was gonna tell him what for though.

Shelly got chatted up by this lad called Darren. He is a fashion desiner who looked camp as tits but was actualy straight. Christ, is everyone trying to look gay these days. I blame David Beckam for turning everyone into fauxmosexuals. Shell went off with Darren for a shag and I lay by the pool reading my Heat and my book. I am half way through 'The Unbearable Lightness Of Being' right now, but its a bit dull to be honest.

Woke up with stomach ache from eating all the food but was aware that I was getting the come on from this David Hasselhoff lookey likey in the pool. Decided to get in and flirt like fuck and ended up giving him a titwank in the deep end. Ignacio blew his whissle and kicked us out. I lost my rag at him this time and pushed him in the pool before inviting Adolf up to my room to continue where we had left off. When we got up to the room, Shelly was screaming the place down with Darren so we went back to Darrens room. His mate Carl was in bed so we had nowhere to go! Shit!

Ended up doing it on the floor of the mens changing rooms in the leisure complex as no-one was around. Adolf was pretty good and gave me his business card but I aint looking for love with a foriegner. Not unless they can pay my air fare anyway.

That was pretty much it, as I had emptied the box of wine on my own and passed out. Woke up the next day in the corridor outside our room. All these guests were walking past and giggling. Big deal. Havent they seen evidence of a young woman enjoying herself on holiday before?

Turns out they were giggling at me because some git had written 'slag' on my forehead in lipstick whilst I was sleeping. I had to smile though, as I have done far worse to Gordon and Shelly when they have been asleep.

Happy days!

Laters x

Vinegar Tits

Well, the morning after, it apears that Trudies dad was'nt kidding. The greek police turned up and I was arrested for asaulting Trudies mom!

I was'nt even alowed to put my clothes on and ended up in the back of the police car in my bra and pants. Shelly ended up phoning Gordon to tell him what had hapened as I was being bundled out of the hotel room. Bastards.

Not the police, but Trudies parents, as I love the boys in blue and have always had a bit of a thing for coppers. The Greek police arent as fit as here, as they ware a bit of a funny uniform, but it was still quiet horny being cooped up in a car with three blokes and some handcuffs. I am used to wearing those in bed and have experienced them in the back of a car too so it did'nt feel too wierd realy.

Got to the station and there english was realy crap and I coul'dnt understand what the hell they were asking me. I did manage to understand 'lawyer' and 'telephono' which made me remember that I am alowed a phone call. Those years of watching Prisoner Cell Block H did'nt go wasted after all. Got put in a cell without getting to make the call and started to get a bit freaked out. After all, strange country, foriegners, no one speaking the proper lingo and the thought that I might be gang-banged in my sleep.

Suddenly things did'nt seem so bad at all after that last thought. Anyways the police were all dead friendly and kept coming into my cell and giving me hugs. Some kept trying to take my bra off, but I figured that it mite get my charges reduced from 'ABH' to 'causing a bastard nuisance in a public plaice' if I played my cards right.

I was right! After I had been spit-roasted by four policeman, before lunch and after, I just had to give the owner of 'La Bamba' a hand-shandy and he agreed to submit a statement saying that it was actualy Trudie that threw the wine bucket contents over her mum and not me. Result!

Ended up losing a day of my holiday and have broken my promise to Emma not to get shagged on holiday, but I figure that getting out of prison free was a much better option than ending up in some god awful Greek slammer getting fisted by some Martina Navpavlova lookey-likey in the prison showers.

Got back to the hotel at 10:30 and everyone joined us in the bar for a celebration. Trudies parents turned up and tried to make a scene about police coruption and how they were going to raise a complaint at the embassey. Blah blah blah. Told them both to fuck off and thank there lucky stars that Trudie wasnt banged up in some cell. At that point Trudies mom started crying because it appears that Trudie WAS banged up in a cell after all. Still, she was only there until yesterday morning after her dad pulled some strings with another of his sodding Tory mates.

They are gonna think twice before taking the Shampayne on again, innit?

Drank cocktails in the bar until 4am which is the point that Jay passed out. Had to pop him and the rest of the boys into a taxi and send them on there way. I was alright as I hadnt been mixing. I stuck to Absinthe all night.

The next morning I woke up. Well, I say morning but it was actualy 2pm. Looked in the mirror and it seems that I decided to have a bit of a makeover under the influence of the green fairy. Those of you who have gotten hammered on absinthe will know what I mean. Seems I had shaved both of my eyebrows off and had cut into my fringe with my nail clippers.

Shit! Looks like that career as a top modal mite have to go on hold until next year after all.

Laters

x x x

Once You Pop You Just Cant Stop

Yo mutha/father fukkas

Shampayne here, dishing the dirt and keeping it real. So, have you forgiven me for posting my message about I.D cards, instead of my holiday journal yet? Some mite say that its wrong for me to get all political but I am a Labia Party supporter at *heart*, which you would know from my previous entry about Trudie’s dad and his shameful eviction from the House of Commons. I hear hes cleaning toilets these days. Just kidding Trudie before you go and leave a shitty message. Christ some people are touchy!

Now, where were we? Oh yes, Ignacio and me in the lift. Well the morning after Shelly and I were realy hungry so we went off to the breakfast area of the hotel only to be told that they were no longer serving. I went apeshit at the mayturdy or whatever those head waiters are called.

I told him I thought it was bang out of order that they only serve brekkie until midday as most normal young people dont even go to bed until 8 in the morning on holiday. He told me I could speak to the manager if I like but I told him he could speak to my fist and belted him in the bollocks. Cheeky bleeder. If the Shampayne wants breakfast then the Shampayne should HAVE breakfast.

Decided to take a walk to the local supermarket which was just round the corner. Loads of scrotes outside looking well poor. Kept asking us for change so I told them ‘sell the big issue like they do in Britain you lazy bastards’. Not that I buy the big issue of course, as Heat magazine is more my cup of tea.

Put some bread rolls and cheese in the basket, but couldnt find proper cheddar and stuff just this fetter shit that looked like old cottage cheese. They didnt sell Walkers crisps but they did do Pringles so we had six tubes of those. Shelly wanted to buy bottled water but I told her we should save our money for vodka and not to be such a spendy wendy. I should of let her have the water realy as I had no intention of paying for the food. Ended up whacking the fire alarm and did a bunk with the groceries. Result!

At 7pm had a call from Jay and Gordon asking if we wanted to meet up for a meal. They said they fancied traditional greek food and said that theyd found this place called ‘La Bamba’ down the road from their hotel ‘El Diablo’. When we got there, I couldnt fucking believe it as in addition to Jay and co, there was Trudie and her parents. Shit.

Trudies mom and dad ended up asking us to join them and for the next hour and a half I realy dont remember much except for the dull drone of Trudies dad going on and on about how fantastic the opportunities were for him since leaving westminger sorry Westminster blah blah blah. I ate my goats cheese pizza, which was the nearest thing to normal british food on the menu and announced that I was going back to the hotel to get felt up by gorgeous Greek waiters. Trudies mom called me ‘common’ so I emptied the wine bucket over her head and told her to kiss my tits. She wasnt best amused and Trudies dad told the rest of my mates to sod off. Still, the joke was on us as none of us had paid our part of the bill. Ker-ching!

Ignacio had slipped a note under our door when we got back asking me to meet him by the pool at 10:30 when his workshift was over. I didnt know whether to do it or not as it meant not joining the others at ‘L’Esqualita’. I decided to have a spliff and chill out in the room with the rest of the Pringles.

Woke up at 10:45 to the sound of the door opening and Ignacios voice whispering ‘hey gorgous lady, can I love you right now’. I was pretty much out of it thanks to the cheap vodka so I pulled my bra straps down and let Ignacio play ‘mommy and baby’ with me. God he was eager. I had got half way through the tube of paprika Pringles, which frankly arent my flavour of choice. I normally like the sour cream and onion ones but wont eat the light version on principle – if its got half the fat you have to eat twice as many. Botherd.

Anyways, Ignacio moved from the ‘first floor’ down to the ‘basement’ and started eating me like a vulture. God, it was the first bit of attention my foo foo had since the whole battery-acid incident with the vibrator. I tell you, it was like someone had plugged me into the mains. I couldnt stop screaming. After the fourth time Ignacio had ‘dined at the downstairs restaurant’, I flicked the light on as it had got quiet dark by this point.

Turns out that it wasnt Ignacio at all. It was some strange bloke that tried to feel my arse in reception the day before. Worst thing was, Ignacio came up to the room to see why I was late and found me with my knickers hanging off my ankle and some dodgy geezer wedged between my knees. Oops.

I guess you could say that my holiday romance had ended before it really began. Fucking fuckety fuck, as the saying goes. Still, no point in crying over spilt milk or the fact that I had just been eaten out by a total stranger in a Greek hotel room. Why worry about such stuff.

Kicked the weirdo out and continued to eat the Pringles. Got almost to the end of the sixth tube and Shelly came back. She said that Trudies dad was going to press assault charges against me. Big deal. She also said she had seen Ignacio crying down by the pool.
Well, that settles it then, I said. He quite obviously a bummer if he can turn on the waterworks so bloody easily. Someone pass him a tiara, the big drama queen.

I have said it before and I will say it again, Shampayne needs a real man, not some lilly livered ponce that stinks of taramasalata and sambuca.

I then threw up out the window as I think I had overdone the Pringles by the end of the fifth tube. Heard a yelp and some swearing in Greek, so looked over the balcony to find Ignacio scraping diced carrot and pringle puke off his chest. Result!

Laters x x x

Big Brother Is Watching You

Yo whores of babylon, its the Sham here.



Was contermplating the govenments plans to interduce I.D cards in the UK and was wondering whether it was a good thing, or an infringement on civil liberty.

Still, with me turning 18 next week it doesnt affect me. Most pubs have been serving me for four years now anyway as I look dead grown up for my age. I tell ya, slap on that Boots No 7 and you can get barmen serving foetuses these days.

So, whats the general opinion - I.D cards are they a fucking grate idea or a bloody lousy idea?

Lets have a masturbate, sorry a mass debate:

Leave your comments and I will be sure to pass them to my MP.

Laters!

x

PS Anyone want to stab me in the face for keeping you waiting for the next holiday instalment?

Badly Packed Kebab

Yo bitches!

Shampers here. Hope y'all doing okay.

Got up at 3pm today due to the jetlag from Grease and all that. Woke up with a right rumbletum so just ate what was to hand, including some jaffa cakes (the crap Morisons own lable version), monster munch pickeld onion x 2 and a toasted sandwitch filled with nutella spread and cashew nuts. I have developed such a varied pallet since going on my hols its untrue.

Cripple, my boxer dog, didnt fare too well on the way home as Gordon had used up all his amyl nitrait in 'L'Esqualita' and back at his hotel room (the slag) so we didnt have owt to put the dog to sleep with on the plane. She ended up crying for half the flight which alerted the attention of one of the stewards. When we got to the baggage collection point all we saw was the cardbored box - but no Cripple. I got dead upset and Shel said I shouldnt blame myself. After all it was my bitch mother who forced me to smuggle an animal abroard and back. Anyway everything all worked out for the best as Cripple is just like a homing pigeon and managed to find her way back home - at 4am this morning. Bark bark bark! I wasnt too pissed at her as I thought she was gonna end up in some rabies compound for six months wondering what the fuck had hapened to her. I like a happy ending.

Anyways, you lot all wanna know about the holiday. Well, day two, Sunday was a bit of a write off as Neil and Chris's car ran out of petrol on the way back from 'L'Esqualita' to the hotel. They got dead worried about leaving the higher car in the middle of nowhere so stayed behind. Me and Shel ended up hitching a lift with Carlos and Ignacio. Turns out Ignacio is a pool attendent at our hotel and therefore knew the way. Hurray for local boys!

Shel ended up chatting for england in the front to Carlos whilst I huddled up to Ignacio in the back. It got a bit cool by 4.30 so he had his arm around me. It felt a bit like those Doris Day and Rock Hudson films, except Ignacio isnt a bummer. For the first time ever I was snuggled up to a bloke without penetration of one horrofice or another. Shel said I should of worn more than a hanky top and my Daisy Duke cut off shorts. I think I have a fine arse so should show it off, especially as a) you just dont get that warm weather in Milton Kenes and b) it took Mom a whole 9 months to make my booty and I am proud of it.

We finaly got back to the hotel at 5.20 and the lads asked if we could meet them at 6.00 later that day for a drink in the bar. I said 'maybe' as it pays not to be too eager, but Shel said 'I will be there even if she isnt', which pissed me off big time. Us girls have to stick to the same script or it all goes tits up. Shel has so much to learn about romance.

Ended up sleeping until 2pm and then moved onto the balcony to get some sun on my carcass. Didnt realise that the parasol was casting a shadow over my left tit and ended up looking like a red cross flag. Shel said her tan was gonna come out of a bottle as she was worried about skin cancer etc etc. I say why pay £2.99 for sunblock from Supadrug when you can get a real one with a bit of olive oil and Mother Natures help? Anyway, only old people or people who do sunbeds get cancer innit?

Dont understand why these foriegners dont spell there names the way they say it. Ignacio says his name like he has a right lisp on him. Ignathio is what it sounds like. Someone awt to have a word with his mother like, but she was probably too poor as a child or they didnt have school back in the 1960s in Grease. These eastern european countries have a long way to go yet.

Met up with Carlos and Ignacio in the bar at 7pm as we overslept and then had a mad rush to get our hair looking less like we had been gangraped and more like Beyonsay from Destiny Childs. Here are some pics of Carlos and Ignacio.

Ignacio is on the right. He is a nutter! Carlos was much quieter and more Shellys type to be honest. Carlos is a waiter at the hotel but is studying music and wants to join an orcestra. He has a big horn or summat. Ignacio has almost graduated from sports collige and wants to be a fitness instructor or gym manager.

The boys ended up getting us a free meal as there freinds with the head chef, who is also called Ignacio. Must be a popular name in Grease. We were given garlic prawns to start, and I sent mine back because the lazy bastards hadnt taken them out of the shells and they still had the fucking tenticles and all. I just ate the bread instead. For main I had a garlic pizza with tatsyky dip or summat like that and Shel had a salad which was covered in all sorts of crappy oil and red bits. I would never eat any of that shit. The boys just sat there, smoked, drank, spoke in greek a lot and Shel and I kept asking them what they were saying. It was all probably about me and how grate my tits are. Boys will be boys.

Ended up going to a bar down the road called 'El Dorado' which made me think of that shit telly program from a few years back. Mom was always pissed that Wogan was axed in favour of that pile of poo. The bar was alright but hardly anyone spoke english, they just sang along to all the records instead. Me and Shel danced to Betty Boo 'Doin The Do', Black Box 'Ride On Time', Sinitta 'So Macho' and we also did the rowing boat song. This bloke was getting a bit too close with his 'oar' and was trying to impregnate me through my leggings. I threw a drink over him which caused a big row, because a) it alerted his wife to his flirting and b) it wasnt my drink that i threw over him. The two boys grabbed us and we made a run for it. Ignacio was a bit anoyed at me and kept pushing my hand away as we walked back to the hotel. God, men can be so bloody touchy. Turns out he was a bit anoyed that I snogged the doorman. Back at the hotel I had a heart to heart in the lift and said that I hadnt given my *heart* to him just yet and we had only known each other for 24 hours. He said that he falls in love very quickly. I didnt know what to say, so I decided to snog him and feel him up until we got to my floor. I cant deal with emotional attachment that early, but went to bed with a warm feeling about it all. I mean, if Doris Day could fall for Rock Hudson in the first fifteen minutes of a film then maybe, just maybe I could consider a holiday romance...

Laters! x x x

PS Is anyone realy interested in me continuing this story or is it all boring bollocks?

PS Happy indapendance day Australia!

Whats A Greek Urn?

About £3.75 an hour!

Hello you lot, its me Shampayne here! Back from me hols in Halkerdicky which turned out to be in GREASE not ITALY as raported earlier. Duh! I cant beleive that my jography is so crap.

Anyways, I have realy missed chatting to yous lot but have had a right blast with my mates abroard. Everyone came - Shel who shared a room with me, Jay and Clive, my bro Gordon and Jays ex Josh who seem to have got it on lately and my dog Cripple! Had to smuggle Cripple in a carboard box and pretend it was a present for my "Aunt Saskia". Cripple was in a bit of a state when we picked her up from luggage collection in Halkerdicky but soon pepped up when Shel fed her a burger. Mom said that she didnt have time to walk Cripple while i was on holiday so i thought 'fuck it' and decided to bring the dog with us. Was dead worried that she would bark cooped up in that box so I laced the cardboard with a whole bottle of Gordons poppers and it seemed to spark Cripple out cold for the whole flight! Result!

This was our hotel room. It was well glam and fuck knows how Mom wangled this. Everyone else was in realy rubbish self catoring hotels and they were well pissed off that me and Shel had got somewhere as nice as this.

Jay and Clive were staying in this awful dive called 'El Diablo' which had realy horrid curtans and the furniture all looked like it had come from a carboot sale. The bloke behind the front desk was dead wierd too and had these great big fish eyes that looked like they were gonna pop out of his head at any moment. Its down to all that sambuca they drink probably or the marouaner or summat dodgy.

This is Mr Wierdo from 'El Diablo' who didnt seem to give a shit that i wanted a picture of him and dutifully posed. Freak.

Had a bit of an eppy and strop on (not strap on) once I realised that I had brought the wrong currancy with me. £400 worth of Lira doesnt go very far in Grease, but managed to persuede Josh to swap it at a local burow de change. After all I couldnt risk my own personal security if they cottoned on to the fact it was all fake money. I chose Josh cuz he is my least favourite person out of the whole crowd and wouldnt be gutted if he was thrown into a greek prison for laundering fake notes. Turns out the woman at the burow only had one eye so hapily changed all the dosh into Euros for him. Result!

I have so much to tell you all, so will probably just have to do a daily digest or this post will end up being as long as Tony's todger. Snigger.

The first day we had was Saturday. After hitching a ride to our hotel which took an hour, cuz we couldnt get anyone to understand basic english, which is a fucking disgrace. Why these foriegners dont speak it is beyond me, dont they send kids to school or summat? A nice man called Enrekay took pity on us and said he would give us a lift. Got to the hotel and just slept for about three hours cuz we got pissed on the plane on the way over. The stewardess was getting her hair off at me and Gordon cuz we kept laughing and I had a bit of a barney at her and said "is it illegal to have fun these days or summat". Turns out she was more upset that I had been sick in the sink in the first class bogs and was saying that i shouldnt have been using them. Blah blah blah. I flicked her the bird and made sure that my breakfast tray was realy filthy so she got her hands grubby when she collected it. They gave us crappy crassonts and fruit juice instead of a fry up. I blame the european union myself, they have probably banned english breakfasts for not being european enough. I mite write to my MP about it.

Went down to the hotel bar and tried phoning the others but couldnt get any signal on my mobile. Turns out i needed to actervate it for roaming or summat acording to Shel. Gave the barman some sob story that my Mom was ill in hospital and that I had no credit on my phone, so he let me 'call the hospital'. Phoned Jays mobile and then Gordons mobile and aranged to meet at a club 'L'Esqualita' at 11pm. The barman started getting twitchy and ended up grabbing the phone off me, mutterning something about 'bastard english tourists'. Shel had to hold me back or I would have given him what for. Managed to smack the bowl of peanuts on the bar so they went in the ice bucket and all over the floor. That will teach folk to take the Shampayne on!

Hung around the bar getting ratted and then grabbed a ride with some english lads called Neil and Chris. Chris was well-pissed already and kept trying to feel my tits in the car, so I let him cop a feel on the understanding that they would give us a lift back to the hotel. He was like a dog on heat and clearly hadnt had much expereince with a worldley woman like what i am. Heres a pic of Chris that Shelly took with her mobile. Mom says I am a slag for getting my baps out on the first day - but I told her that was the best day to do it or theyd be sunburnt and have strap marks on them by day three. Silly mare, its clear I learnt all i know about flirting from Aunty Jean not Mom.

Danced with loads of fit blokes who all wanted to take me home. Decided to listen to Emmas voice in my head and let my foo foo have another night off. Did some heavy feeling up with Neil whilst dancing to 'Dance Yourself Dizzy' by Liquid Gold. I love those old songs. Drank a yard of ale and beat the local champion Fylippo, much to his disgust. Still, he couldnt have been that annoyed as he asked me to slowdance with him to 'I Will Always Love You' by Witney Houstan. Hands everywhere and I kept telling him "TITS FIRST I AM NOT A SLAG", which he didnt understand being foriegn and all that. Nothing like a knee in the bollocks to keep a blokes hands at bay. That seems to be internationaly understood.

Anyway, will be back again tomorrow with more tales of deborchery and sin. Laters! x x x